2013: The Hardest Year Yet

As 2013 comes to a close, I suppose like most, I reflect on what the year held.

At the closing of some years, there has been in the past an excitement about not only what that year had held, but a joyful anticipation of the next.

Then other years, they close almost unnoticed.

2013 for me was... difficult. An unexpected, and in some ways, a completely shocking difficult. It was frustrating. It was angering. It was depressing. It was infuriating. And it was filled with loss.

It was a year of having faith. | And it was a year of faith being lost.
It was a year of excitement. | And it was a year of great dissapointment.
It was a year of prayer. | And it was a year of prayer ceasing.
It was a year of pursuing. | And it was a year of letting go. 
It was a year of scripture memorization. | And it was a year of scripture being lost.
It was a year of being proud and confident it what I had. | And it was a year of losing it all.
It was a year of pursuing a vision. | And it was a year of a vision being taken away.
It was a year of believing I had heard from the Lord. | And it was a year of doubting I had ever heard at all.

I can confidently say, 2013 has been the hardest year of the 26 I have lived. And to be completely candid, I currently do not look to 2014 with any expectation of "great" things. I have learned in 2013 that expectation is fragile and easily lost - something to not be relied upon ever. 

Yet there is a hope within me, small, and perhaps barely visible, which believes that in some way, that somehow, God is going to restore my very soul and return unto me the joy of my salvation. It is not a great hope. It is not a contagious hope. It is not even a faith-filled hope. Rather, it is a hope derived from years of walking with God and knowing He is good. He is father and I son.

Yesterday at church, my pastor said "At the end of 2014, I want my testimony to be that I am somehow, in someway, more like Christ than I am now."

I have no aspirations for 2014. I have no excitement for 2014. I have no goals for 2014. I have nothing, nor want nothing, nor desire anything for 2014 — other than that I might be more like Christ than I am now.

Aggressive About My Soul

The Christmas tree stood festively stoic in the corner, transcending a luminescent glow throughout the room. The wood stove radiated of warmth and the flames jumped longingly at the glass door as if attempting to escape. The smell of our Italian dinner, consumed only hours earlier, still lingered throughout the air. Everyone else had gone to bed except us. She laid on the couch and I sat opposite upon another.

This was her last night visiting the North Country and although she probably should have been fast asleep, she used her final hours to encourage me.

"You need to get aggressive about your soul" she said.

It wasn't the first time she had said this to me. It probably wasn't going to be the last either.

I smiled and responded, "Yeah." My voice trailed off, revealing an obvious absence of confidence in my answer.

"I'm serious Josh!" she replied with more conviction. "You need to get aggressive about your soul." 

~~~

I know the messages, the bible passages, the words to say, the worship songs to sing, the "right" things to do in this season. I've preached them. I've said them. I've encouraged many before who have stood where I am today.

I'm not lacking "knowledge" of what to do in a season where my soul is darkened by the realities of life. I'm not frantically searching Scripture in desperate attempts to find a verse that speaks to the broken-hearted. I know where those scriptures are. I know what the bible says about life, about difficulties, about the goodness of God.

I know my soul is broken. And I am not lacking in understanding of this nor in the abilities of God to heal and restore it. What I lack is a desire to even care for a restoration.

This is probably the most vulnerable thing I have publicly shared about myself. I honestly am not looking for cards in the mail or Facebook comments that use Christian sentiments as a pat on the back of encouragement. I'm not being honest because I am groveling for encouragement and compliments.

I write this to be honest with you. Because you're my friends, you're my family, you're the people who live with me, work with me, stand by me, love me, and pray for me.

I'm honest, not to start a "pray for Josh campaign" or a "be concerned for Josh campaign" or a "let's say nice things to Josh campaign". I'm honest because you deserve honesty. You deserve the truth. And it's something I haven't always been given in my relationships with people. So I want to be honest as much as possible with you.

~~~

"You're going to have to make sacrifices if you're going to get aggressive about your soul." She stated it calmly, but it was accompanied by a desire to see this season pass in my life.

The snow was now lightly falling outside the window and my eyes darted about the room, avoiding her gaze.

"Yup." I tersely responded as I inhaled and then exhaled - a lucid sign that I was silently saying "I know what you mean and you're right. I just don't know if I care to be aggressive."

She smiled. She must have known what I was thinking even though I hadn't voiced it.

As the hands on the clock danced on in a perfect duet, we talked and soon it was time to bid her good night and ultimately, a farewell.

"Keep me updated on your life" she said.

I'm not sure I responded. But we hugged and I walked out into the winter's night.  

All In One Basket

Put all one's eggs in one basket 

        - to make everything dependent on only one thing; 

        - to place all one's resources in one place, account, etc. 

        - i.e. if the basket is dropped, all is lost

"To make everything dependent on only one thing."

"If the basket is dropped, all is lost."

I probably should have known better. I should have seen it coming. I should have known. Putting all your hope in one thing, the proverbial "eggs in one basket", it means that when the basket is dropped all is lost. 

I am embarrassed to say I did just that. And this fall the basket was dropped and there was loss. 

To be completely candid I am angry that the basket was dropped. But more than being angry at the loss, I am angry with myself for having ever put so much hope and expectation in the basket to begin with. I was incredibly stupid. I was blinded by my own hopes and dreams to even see that I had placed all of them in one basket. 

And sadly the basket was not Christ. 

Had it been, I do not believe the loss would have been so great. 

I tricked myself into thinking "I'm investing in my future". It seemed logical. And had you observed you may have even agreed with me. It did not appear my hopes and dreams were being frivolously wasted.

But when dreams and hopes are not placed in Christ, no matter how long they appear fulfilling, there will come a day where the basket will be dropped. When that day comes, whether tomorrow or 30 years from now, the loss and reality of that moment will be enough to rob the very life from your bones.

And if it hasn't happened already, I guarantee it will. 

Because Christ is the only one who can bring true, everlasting fulfillment. Because only Christ can promise faithfulness. Because only Christ is steadfast, unwavering, constant, the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Intellectually I know this. Intellectually I knew it as I placed one dream after another in the same basket for months and even years . But I had comforted myself with the words "investment in my future". 

Investment in my future...

The only investment in your future worth having is living for Jesus today.

There is a lot of sorting out to do in my life. I have yet to truly process the basket being dropped. I would rather just move on and start fresh, as though I hadn't wasted months and years of investment. But sadly, the heart is not a battery that can just be jump started and work properly again. 

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45-46

Jaded

"I'll be frank with you, lots of people think our 20's is great because we are young, we have the world in front of us, all fun times, getting to know ourselves, That's all great, but I disagree with a lot of that sentiment. I think for a lot of people, our 20's suck. We're all trying to figure out what the heck to do with our lives, and things don't line up like we think they should or want them to. Panic, callousness, or discouragement set in, and we don't know when to cut bait and get a new dream, or stay the course... and I could go on. I'm there. It's really hard. It's easy to get jaded and discouraged."

Jaded.

That's the word that has constantly eluded my ever diminishing vocabulary. That's it. That's me.

It was his response from my returned letter to him, (an old friend), asking me how life was and if there was anything he could pray about for me.

We were friends in college and it has been almost six years since those memories were first formed. Yet the lapsed time didn't seem to change anything. It was as if we had just picked up where we left off.

It was surprising, yet comforting to hear him articulate the thoughts that have wondered the halls of my mind for months now.

The problem with being jaded is that it flavors everything you say. I might try and be kind, but because the source of my kindness is polluted with jadedness, it comes out less than loving. 

So in an attempt to prevent others from being hurt, offended, annoyed, and even cast down, I just don't say anything. I try and let my words be few. I often withdraw from social interactions. And when immersed in a social atmosphere I put on the face of a performer and walk into that event and give people what they expect, even need - a happy go-lucky guy.

But my heart couldn't be further from such a performance.

This is not a sob story or a "whoa is me" post. In fact, I need to ask for your patience and grace as I work through this season. For most, if not all of you who know me, this season, me, it's not what you or I am used to.

Jadedness. Cynicism. Frustration. Negativity. Never before were these my characteristics. 

I need your forgiveness for the jaded things I've said or will say to and around you. I will need your forgiveness for "pretending" I am fine and all is well. I will need your forgiveness for my lack of love and kindness. I will need your forgiveness for being negative and at times even irreverent. I will need your forgiveness when you ask me how I am doing and I refuse to tell you. I will need your forgiveness for not caring. 

This is a season where I am learning humility as I encounter the love, forgiveness, patience, and grace of people all around me. I am grateful for it all - even though I seldom express it.

All Is Well

All is well
All is well
Angels and men rejoice 


All is not well. I would be lying if I said it was. And to say that "rejoicing" has been absent from my life would be, well, an understatement.

This season has been a season where things have not been well with me, with my heart. This season has had no joy. This season is full of darkness I never thought would surround me.

And although my heart is broken and my very joy robbed from me, I can confidently say "all is well". 

All IS well.

And not because things in my life are actually going well, but because Christ has come, Emanuel, God with us.

Born is now Emmanuel
Born is our Lord and Savior
Sing Alleluia
All is well

All IS well. 

Not because I can point to the "success" of my life. Certainly not because of the commitment of people. And it definitely is not because of my financial or social status. It is only because Christ is my Savior and He is Lord.

All IS well.

Not because my heart feels like all is well. Not because I think all is well. Not because I have money, a nice car, a girlfriend or wife, a family, or any of that. All is well because God sent His son to earth, Jesus, that I might be born again and have eternal life.

All IS well.

Not because I'm healthy. Not because I am talented. Not because I have a job or am famous. All is well because Christ has not abondoned me, nor will He ever.

All IS well.

Because He is King. Because He will use me. He will guide me. He will lead me through this season of great frustration and deep disappointment.

All IS well.

Because God is in control, even when my life is crumbling.

All IS well.

Because at the end of the day, the tears I shed, the anger in my heart, the bitterness that gnaws at my soul, it may be overwhelming to me, but it does not overwhelm Him. He is bigger than it. He is bigger than me.

All IS well.

Because I know even if every day for the rest of my life is lived in this very season, He is still worthy and He still has saved my soul.

All IS well.

Because I have salvation not in myself, not in my goodness or my works, but solely in Jesus. 


It doesn't make this season less difficult. It doesn't take away the sting of failed dreams. It certainly doesn't erase the memories. But it does help me remember that my hope is not lost, even when everything else is.

So tonight I say...

All is well. 

Be Real: A Vulnerable Question

"So what has been going on in your life?"

She asked it and at first, I had hoped she was only being polite. After all, she hadn't visited since June and that was the proper question to politely pose.

There were distractions all around. People laughing, a tree being decorated, Christmas music playing, and I figured I stood a good chance at evading an answer to the question. I knew she knew me well enough to not just be content with "good" as an answer. I could count on that a trite answer would only be accompanied by the response "So unpack that for me."

At first it looked as though my non-verbal response would blend into the evening's activities, but then she sat atop the counter, and looking at me asked again "So really. What's been going on in your life."

In that moment, a million thoughts flooded my mind as I attempted to formulate a facade that would answer the question without ever delving into my heart. Because candidly, my heart is a broken and dark place.

I began with hesitation to explain, like I would to a visitor on a Sunday morning at church, what had transpired in my life since June when we last talked. She quickly interjected with "Be real with me."

Be real.

The real me would be a stranger to her. She last knew me as fun, joyful, and full of life and excitement for the Lord. She last saw me passionate about people and intentional about investing in relationships.

Be real.

The real me was but a starving shadow of the old me. It's something I abhor about this season, but something I cannot seem to change.

Be real.

We served in ministry together. We served the local church together. We were college leaders together. We prayed together. We worshiped together. We talked doctrine together. We lived in community together.

Be real.

"This season has been difficult" I began.

Perhaps it was the change in my voice. Or maybe it was the fact that I had stopped looking at her. Or possibly it was the craziness of the events juxtaposed around us, but she lead me into the other room where we sat in the darkness at the dinning room table and I... I was real with her.

And as I talked she listened. She wasn't shocked by anything I said. She didn't even seem surprised when I found myself unable to clearly articulate my thoughts amidst tears. She just listened.

And then she shared her story. She shared her walk. She shared scripture. She shared Jesus.

And it was now my turn to listen as she was real with me.

"You can escape where you're living, but you can't escape your heart. The problem isn't the location. The problem is your heart." 

The problem isn't the location. The problem is your heart.

I fought back tears as she so clearly articulated the heaviness of my soul and reminded me that a new location wasn't going to solve all my problems. Perhaps it could help some. But dealing with my heart before the Lord was the answer.

"God may never give you the dreams of your heart, but He will always be faithful to you."

And the sting of hearing about dreams, my dreams, possibly never happening... why it was this very thing, failed dreams and hopes, that had lead me like a faithful map to this very season. And in some small way, like a fading light, I guess there was a part of my heart that tried keeping the hope of these dreams alive.

Like ointment on a wound, the sting of it is excruciating. But the pain in necessary for healing.

And although I didn't want to hear about God possibly never giving me the dreams of my heart, it was needed. And accompanied with words of His faithfulness towards me, these were the things I needed to hear.

I say this intellectually. My heart is still calloused with disappointments. But I know these words are needed. 

She ended the conversation with prayer. She hugged me and we returned to the festive excitement of friends laughing. 

And just like many years ago when we served in college ministry together, community was built.

Thanksgiving Eve

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving.

Giving thanks.

This season I have found myself seldomly giving thanks. It's not that I'm ungrateful, nor am I unappreciative of the blessings I've received both from the Lord and people around me. But the darkness that shrouds my soul has left me with neither vigor for life nor words of thanks. 

The days pass... one after another. Often I lose track of them. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, Christmas a month away, and the new year creeps quickly around the corner. 

Recently my pastor said to me "You don't handle bitternss well. Some people can handle it, but for you, it's cancerous to your soul." 

Bitterness.  

It just doesn't make sense. It really doesn't. That's not who I am. That has never been me. It's an ugliness that is as foriegn a stranger to me as murder. Yet like the ficticious Dr. Jeykll, I am meeting the "Mr. Hyde" of my life. And the darkness of bitterness, disappointment, let down, hate, disgust, loss... it's something I am horrified by. 

Yet the desire to even break from the grasp of Mr. Hyde is... is not even there. I just don't even care. Why care? Caring is the very thing that caused... well... it doesn't matter. 

But I have been around long enough to know that even small steps towards "normalcy" is better than no steps at all. So on the eve of this snowy Thanksgiving I am going to force my soul to give thanks. 

This season is humbling for me. I have never before been so "broken", vulnerable, in front of friends and family. Never before have I been so cast down that everyone, including some children, have noticed. And for me, I'm just not the guy who gets "down" or "depressed". 

I used to be an encourager. I used to rejuvenate people. I used to bring joy to people. I used to... well I used to a lot of things. But now, I am the one who is receiving from the outpouring of love, encouragement and blessings from others. 

So today, I want to give thanks for the many people who have taken the time to write me and pray for me. I have received a half dozen messages over the last month from friends who have written to encourage me and love on me. 

Here is a recent encouraging excerpt from a friend: 

"Just know when you think you can't stand anymore or haven't enough faith, just know that's OK bc there are those of us believing for you and carrying you in prayer."

I am thankful for all you who care, who write, who pray, and who love me. Please don't let the darkness of my soul nor my cynicism detract from my sincere thanks for all you have each done to come alongside me and walk with me through a season of heaviness I never thought I would walk through. I am grateful. 

I continue to look to the Lord to lead me through this valley. May He be glorified in some way through my brokenness.

Where Is My Trust?

The problem with being honest with people is that to some extent you have to trust them. Trust them with your thoughts, feelings, even the very details of your life. 

In years past, I never thought twice about trusting someone. I never had reason to doubt that someone I loved and was close with couldn't or wouldn't be trustworthy. 

However this was naive thinking. I have learned that now. 

I recognize a dilemma in my life. I tend not to trust people. Even those who have been there for years and have shown their faithfulness to me - whether through word or action - I just don't fully trust anymore.

Perhaps it's my cynicism. Or perhaps it was the fact that someone who once had shared my trust for years and had my complete confidence decided they wanted to throw it all away - because being a committed and faithful friend was just too hard "apparently". 

But whatever. 

I should have seen it coming. I should have known better and it was a very good learning lesson. One I will always remember. 

And isn't that how life lessons are learned? Through mistakes? 

I am learning the lesson of being careful who you trust because not everyone is trustworthy. It was a mistake. A big mistake. 

But in a season where I find my thoughts quickly moving towards anger and hate, I am reminded that although I may not have done the same to another, I am no better. 

It's easy to puff oneself up and think "I would never do that" and begin comparing yourself to others around you. I'm broken. I'm sinful. I'm sure I've hurt people and probably don't even know the extent I have hurt some because they carried in silence the pain and walked forgiveness in the quietness of their own heart. 

I can look at those who have hurt me, see them continuing in the happiness and enjoyment of their lives - having moved forward without second thought or concern for the things I had deeply valued - and think in disgust "I would never be that shallow or mean to people in my life". 

I may not act out in the same manner the hurt or disappoinments inflicted on me, but trust me, I have let the Lord down more times than I can count. I have not been perfectly faithful to Him. I can look at my life and see specific points where when something of greater interest took hold of my love and desire, my commitment floundered and I ran with excitement towards people and things that looked to be far greater and more enjoyable than my relationship with Christ. 

I can try and pride myself on my "commitment" to those around me, but I cannot pride myself on my commitment to the Lord - the most important relationship in my life. Because I have failed Him. Over and over. 

Yet His faithfulness to me remains steadfast and unwavering. 

I. Do. Not. Have. A. Box. For. This.

I don't think I could be, or am, that faithful to even myself. Yet the Lord is. 

And so, in the middle of a season where I am learning to walk through mistakes, both by others and myself, I am working hard to keep my focus the Lord and not those who have wavered and left. Jesus needs to be my all. Not friendships. Not people.

And I guess it took someone giving up a friendship and wanting nothing to do with me to teach me afresh the importance of Christ being my everything. People will leave me. People will let me down. But is my hope in Christ or in the faithfulness of people?

May it be only in Christ.  

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."       Romans 15:13

Letting The Dream Go

“Letting go of anything you love is hard…Knowing how and when to move on from one dream to another isn’t easy, but I knew it was time to start living a different dream. Letting go of a dream can be extremely hard, yes, but it’s also liberating.”
– Bart Knaggs (Epiphany, p. 224)

Growing up I was taught to be committed. To be committed to my word. To be committed to my actions. To be reliable. To not just say one thing and do another.

It was instilled in me at an early age from my parents, my church, from an older generation, that I was to be faithful. And through the years of growing up, there were many a hard lesson where I learned the importance of being committed no matter the difficulty.

I have applied this to not just the relationships in my life, but to many areas of my life. Whether it be music, work, teaching, meeting someone, brainstorming ideas, I try and be committed and faithful and never to just give up.

But this season I have to learn how to give up.

Honestly? It's not something I do well. I blame this mostly on my upbringing because I was taught never to just give up. So when I commit, well, I do so for the long haul - for better or worse.

But not every area I commit to demands that intense a commitment. Being faithful is good. Jesus himself talked about us being faithful. But there will come days in our lives where certain things will just not require us to commit anymore.

It can be anything from a class that has ended, to a production that is over, to a relationship that has broken off. If my Music Theory class has ended for the semester, there is no call for me continuing to be faithful in attending and studying for it. This is obvious. But not all cases are so lucid.

And this semester, I am learning day by day, slowly how to stop myself from being faithful and committed to a dream that has demanded it end. For the past couple months I feel like the kid who is still going to Music Theory class and doing his homework even though the class is done.

"The class is over Josh. You can stop showing up. Your faithfulness is no longer needed. You don't need to be committed. There is nothing to be committed to. Go home." is what a teacher would say.

So this fall, this winter, and probably many a season to come, I am going to work each and every day on not being committed and faithful to dreams that are no more. Class has ended. I need to go home. 

Come Lord Jesus

It's been about a week since I've written.

Honestly, I don't know how to express in words the churning of the seas within my soul. I don't want to be dramatic. And Lord knows I hate being emotional. So where does that leave me?

It leaves me wordless and quiet.

The ugliness of my soul these days is even shocking to me. My heart has never traversed such dark and cold land before and it is something I thought I would never experience or ever go through.

But this semester is full of things I never thought would or could happen.

So this season, how ever many months or years it ends up being, I pray that somehow the Lord gets a hold of my heart and draws me near. Because I am already so tired and do not know when joy or happiness will return. And not knowing, not seeing an end, it overwhelms my soul.

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

Come Lord Jesus.

The Winter Of My Heart

“Withstanding the cold develops vigor for the relaxing days of spring and summer. Besides, in this matter as in many others, it is evident that nature abhors a quitter.”        
― Arthur C. Crandall

Today was the first day that finally felt like winter. I don't think it warmed up much above 30 degrees. When I walked outside this morning, I took a deep breath of cold, crisp air and instantly it was like greeting an old friend from long ago. Unlike so many who reside in the North Country, I truly and absolutely love *winter!

[*Winter defined as: "Till January 1" and then I want it to end and become a hater.]

I am always amazed that this place I call home can go from warm, sunny, and bright, to dark, cold, and gray.  How is that possible? How can the very yard I lay soaking in the sun's rays during summer be the same yard I shovel in the cold of night?

As I stood on the porch breathing in the cold air, taking in the sights of the first truly crisp morning, I began thinking about the heart. How the heart can (and often does) go from bright, warm and sunny, to dark, cold and gray.

I began to recall the times not only in my life, but in the lives of those around me where I watched and in some cases, was the recipient of a heart grown dark, cold and gray.

A little while ago I watched a friend of mine in disbelief as their heart turned dark and cold towards me. It was a coldness I never thought could or would be in their life, let alone directed at me. It was much like the deep winter wind that cuts through you as you walk from your home to the car, even amidst the wear of a jacket, scarf, hat and gloves. The bitter cold somehow finds a way in to chill even the core of your body.

It was this same bitter cold that I experienced. Yet not from winter's force, but from once a dear friend.

But unlike the childlike fascination of summer somehow ushering in winter, there was no fascination or childlike wonder. Instead there was a desperate scramble to salvage the relationship and attempt, within all my capabilities to save what I once thought was going to be a life-long friendship.

However, this friendship would not last till even winter.

Winter undoubtedly means spring, and eventually summer will return. And for me, this coming winter is more than just the coldness of the air around me. It's the coldness of my own heart, from loss, from unanswered questions, from life.

I know this season of my life, this "winter" as it may be, will someday end - just as the physical winter season will. And I pray that when "summer" does come to my life, that I am found still being  faithful in Jesus Christ - being committed to Him, to the local church, and submitted to my authority.

I am fully aware that I am not infallible nor perfect, and that I could fall away into despair, anger, darkness, and run away from the very Lord that saved me and from the very church that raised me. Others have. And I am no better nor any more righteous or great than any that have left before me.

The sobriety of this has kept my heart at bay thus far. And may it always. 

"For my eyes are toward You, O God, the Lord; In You I take refuge; do not leave me defenseless." Psalm 141:8

It Was A Mistake

Pastor Keith Tucci once said "You cannot keep appeasing people and giving part of your life to them when they do not have your best interest at heart."

This season I am learning what it means to have given part of my life to people who did not have my best interest at heart. It was a mistake that I have promised myself never to make again.

Of course we all make mistakes. And we all have stories of people hurting us. I'm sure we all have examples of giving part of our lives to people to only have them turn on us and throw it away. My situation isn't unique to life or perhaps even your experiences - but it's unique for me. This is the first time I have ever experienced walking through a season where I had trusted people with my life who I thought had my best interest at heart, but only to find out I was gravely wrong.

I will never be so naive again, nor will I ever let myself be deceived into trusting people with part of my life that I truly don't know. I was stupid at best and it was a mistake I will only make once.

In early July of this year, I began praying intensely for a vision I believed the Lord laid on my heart. I was thoroughly convinced the Lord was speaking. I prayed, I worshiped, I fasted, I pursued in prayer what I thought the Lord was calling me to. But three months into my time of prayer, the very thing I felt the Lord calling me to pray about fell through and I was left sitting with a journal I had filled with pages of my prayers and words of faith I believed the Lord had spoken, and a heart feeling completely betrayed, letdown, abandoned, burned, and hopeless.

Can I be honest?

I don't have a box for this season that I am in.

Every morning when I awake, there is a split second where I think perhaps this season of life has been but a bad dream and I am finally waking up from it. That somehow I will walk down the stairs and maybe my love for fall, for Christmas, the excitement for the holidays, for people, for local church, for the Lord - that maybe it will all return. But it is only a second before the coldness of reality floods in and I am reminded that I am wakening to the fact that indeed, this is my life.

This fall has been marked by letdown - both from people and what at times I feel is also the Lord.

These two events happened within days of each other and I guess my heart just isn't as strong as I thought it was. I consider myself to be pretty rational, fairly thick-skinned, able to handle my own, not really fazed by much. But I learned very quickly just how fragile my heart really is.

This blog is really just the easiest way of letting those of you who read know where my heart is at. Many people are so kind and loving towards me, asking me constantly "How are you doing Josh?" Many wonderful, faithful people who for whatever reasons, are all my biggest fans. People who shouldn't love me so unconditionally, but do. They call, they text, they email me to make sure I am doing ok.They encourage me. They listen to me. They have faith for my life even when I don't. They invite me over to their houses and even trust me, cynicism and all, with their kids.

The Josh this semester is quite different from perhaps the Josh of other semesters. I desperately wish I could just erase all memories of those who have let me down and just be "normal, happy, fun, not cynical Josh". But the Lord has not seen fit to allow such a thing to happen. Instead, I am learning to walk through a season where really, at the end of the day, the only thing I have that I can turn to is the Lord. And if all this... If all the disappointments, all the letdowns, all the frustrations and questions I have... If all this is just to teach me to rely solely on the Lord, may my roots go deep, my faith be built, and my heart strengthened as I learn to walk this out in Him.

I don't want to be a young man, a leader, a visionary, a follow of Christ who finds his strength, his identity, his worth, his fulfillment in people, status, or even the seasons of life he is in. I want to be marked by Christ. And this season, there is a lot of "not Christlike" things rising to the surface of my heart. May I be quick to let Him deal with me so my heart may be pure before the Lord.

 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

God's Will

I once had a friend say to me "If it was God's will (fill in the blank) it would have worked out".

Depending on your theology, this may be true for you.

I can sit on my couch all day though, praying, hoping, placing my trust that the "will" of God for me is to get a job. But if I never get up off the couch, if I never apply for a job, if I never take action, guess what? I won't get a job.

I have learned not to place my faith, confidence, or trust in the "will" of God. I place my total trust in the Lord, but not His "will". My theology may shake your view of God (and me) and or cause you to rethink what you believe.

Let's look at 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is long-suffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance."

"Not willing that any should perish"

The Lord's will is that none should perish. But we all know that many do.

This get's into the idea of the multiple wills of God and whatnot. And I don't want to get into a big theological debate. We can, (preferably not on here), but I'm trying to make a point here rather than begin a debate.

~~~

I believe that for many Christians, they may view things in their lives (decisions, opportunities, success, etc.) based upon whether it happens/is easy and then if it does comes to pass, define it as "God's will". But if it fails or is difficult look at it as "the Lord closing the door" or "not God's will".

2 things to keep in mind here: 

1) Just because it's difficult, hard, impossible, or doesn't come to pass doesn't mean it wasn't what the Lord called you to. There's a thousand variables that play into why something may not come to pass, but the simplest answer? Humanity. People screw things up. I screw things up. This unfortunately plays into whether or not certain things will come to pass.

Take for instance Esther from the bible. Mordecai her uncles comes to her to plead for help and says to her in Esther 4:14:

"For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”"

 "Relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place"

Esther had the chance to help deliver the Jews. Yet had she decided not to, Mordecai knew that help would come from another.

The decision to go before the King was neither easy nor without it's difficulties. She had to face the reality that she could (and would) die without a miracle.

It could have been easy for her to say "It's not God's will for me because the king has not called me in thirty days". But she didn't. Instead, she made a decision, she moved, she was faithful to the call, there was an action, and the Lord honored her for her faith.

I believe that when the Lord calls us, when we feel in our hearts a direction from Him, we are to pursue that until either the Lord calls us to stop (as in the case of Abraham sacrificing Issac) or until the door has been closed so tightly (by the decisions/sins/failures of humanity) there is no hope for it to ever open again.

But to turn away, to stop, to give up in the midst of what we clearly feel is a direction from the Lord, or perhaps not even a clear direction, but we sense it is from the Lord, it would be us not being faithful. And where would the Jewish people have been had Esther given up?

Who knows what the Lord wants to do through you, through the places or people He's calling you to. But if you give up because there is difficulty and you comfort yourself with "if it was God's will it would have happened" you are potentially missing out on an incredible testimony! One that could affect perhaps just one, or maybe a thousand lives.

2) The Lord does close doors but don't assume difficulty means "closed".

In Acts 16, we see Paul making plans to go to Asia to preach the Gospel but in vs. 6 it says: 

"Now when they had gone through Phrygia and the region of Galatia, they were forbidden by the Holy Spirit to preach the word in Asia."

The Lord clearly closed the door to Asia. 

BUT for many Christians, myself included, it's easy to think that opposition and difficulty means the door is closed. Perhaps it is not the door closing, but rather, the enemy doing all he can to prevent you from going through that door.

The devil has been around far longer than you or I. He can spot potential and see the possible effects of a life faithful to pursue whatever the Lord is calling them to and will do all he can to destroy that potential. Do. Not. Be. Deceived.  

"The devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour"        1 Peter 5:8

Now that said, there are amazing testimonies of doors opening for people and God providing. For some, there was no difficulty or any problems and that was how they knew it was God.

But I would say this is often times not the case.

Look at Joseph. Sold into slavery, betrayed by Potiphar's wife, thrown into prison. One thing after another. Were these merely tests? Or was the enemy at work to destroy Joseph. To break his very faith in the Lord so that he would never rise to rule in Egypt and be a provider, a savior to his family - ultimately the lineage of Christ.

How many times could he have thought (and perhaps did) "the doors have all been closed and I am left here to die. This is not God's will." Yet the Lord would use even the actions of his brothers to sell Joseph into slavery to ultimately deliver Israel.

Your testimony of being faithful, of pursuing what the Lord has put on your heart, of not giving up because of difficulty or impossibility, may be the very deliverance for people around you. 

~~~

You may look at your life and see areas where you could have been more steadfast. Where you could have pursued harder. Where you could have not given up.

Don't let discouragement and failure bring you down though. That is what the enemy would like to do. Break your very desire to continue serving the Lord.

There is great news! We serve a God that redeems and restores our lives, decisions, and time.  

"So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..."           Joel 2:25

Let us be stirred to be faithful, even when it is difficult, seems impossible, appears hopeless and we are discouraged. 

Unspoken Promise

Two years ago I wrote this piece titled Unspoken Promise for a friend as my Christmas present that year. 

 

It's strange how a piece of music can remind you of a completely different time. It can conjure up feelings and bring back memories of happier days and wonderful moments. Or it can remind you of tragedy and sorrow. Music has a way of transporting us to a different time and even a different place.

 

Two years have almost passed since I wrote this piece and where I am today, the things that have happened, had you told me two years ago while sitting at a piano writing this piece that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed at you and said "that is just not possible".

 

I have since learned that anything is possible.

 

Music has always been a way for me to express my feelings and has been a constant form of communication for me.

 

I wrote this piece as a form of communication to a friend, who at the time I was unable to talk to. I had hoped that somehow, through music, I could communicate perhaps something I couldn't in words.

 

But unfortunately, neither music nor words helped me. And today, we do not speak and most likely never will again.

 

I didn't want to waste this composition. So instead of it sitting thrown in my friend's box collecting dust or perhaps even the trash, I figured I would share with you a glimpse, a moment in time, where the only thing I could say was this piece.

Closeness: The Cause of Great Hurt

It would seem that the people we love the most are often the ones that hurt us the greatest.

It's never the stranger in line at the grocery store, or the guy who hands you your coffee that inflicts pain. Instead, it's the ones that you deeply love that do. It's the people that have committed to you, that have been there for you, that loved you, they're the ones that hold such power.

And I guess just because you're close with someone, just because you love them, just because you have spent years walking in close relationship doesn't mean it will always be that way. And it certainly does not mean that just because you had a close friendship, that your friendship will guard you against division and hurt.

I used to put my confidence in that if I was close with someone, if something did get between us, our years together, our faithfulness to one another, that would allow us to work things out, to talk it out, to meet and restore anything that may have been lost.

However, I've come to realize that it really doesn't matter how close you become with someone. If they want to hurt you and do their own thing, they will. Years of faithfulness to relationships, the years of talks, laughter, fun, memories, it might mean a lot to you, but it doesn't mean that it's important to those you're sharing it with.

I tend to think that if I serve and love people in my life, there is nothing too great that could drive us apart.

But the reality of all relationships with people is that there are two parties. And I can love, be faithful, be committed, be expectant, and try to build the relationship, but if the other party wants nothing to do with me and doesn't want relationship... well, there is nothing I can do.

I'm realizing that even if you serve in the local church together, love God together, worship together, and share life together, even if you have everything in common, none of that is enough to hold together the bond of relationship. Because when someone wants to walk away, they don't care who or how they hurt people.

And when they leave, they go on and live their life, content, because for them, the investment in the relationship was only temporary anyways. For some, they knew it wouldn't last and didn't invest like it would. They move, they leave, they start new relationships with new people and you watch in almost shocked disbelief at their coldness.

I'm freshly aware that just because I'm close with people doesn't mean I can count on that closeness. I used to. But after losing relationships that I thought were worth having and keeping, I guess I'm a little cynical when it comes to relationships lasting.

And it's easy (at least for me) to let cynicism rule my life. To let anger cloud my view of relationships with people. I often find my heart hardening at the mere thought of building relationships with people around me. "It's not like it's going to last anyways" I think. "You can't count on anyone." 

These are lies.

I have to constnatly preach to myself, reminding myself that:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy" John 10:10a

The thief, the devil, he wants to steal my joy, he wants to kill my passion for the Lord and people, and he wants to destroy my life. And the devil will most assuredly use the hurt from failed relationships with people to set me on a path of destruction.  

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

But I must, I must, I have to be alert. The devil will not wait till my passion for the lord, the joy of my strength, the love for life and people, returns before attacking. The devil will take any chance he can to devour me.

So I look to the One who is more faithful than a brother. The One who will never leave me or forsake me. The One who knows what it is like to have close relationships lost, and those you count on, love, and invest in, betray you and walk away. The One who will always love me and always pursue me.

It doesn't take away the sting of pain, but it's good to know I'm not alone. And so today I hold fast to the promise from Christ that says:

 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10b

May Christ be. my. life.

My Dream

We all have dreams. I'm not talking about the dreams that happen at night, but the dreams of our future, ideas, plans, things to accomplish, things we want to do.

I had a dream once that I was so sure was going to happen. There was never a moment of doubt that this dream I had wouldn't come to pass. I never was given any reason to assume it couldn't be possible. I planned, I acted, I lived like this dream would be.

I'm not sure how it happened, but that dream was crushed.

I gave everything for this dream. I lived every day anxiously and excitedly waiting for it to be. I prayed for it to come to pass. I had faith for it to happen. I never thought that it couldn't or wouldn't be.

As with any dream that fails, you ask why. I have asked why a thousand times. I have spent hours before the Lord and still no answer.

I will probably never know this side of eternity why my dream was destroyed. I will probably wake every day for the rest of my life and wonder why.

I remember being a kid and having the dream of having a puppy, a dog, as my own. When I was younger, I loved animals, especially dogs. (This probably comes as a shock to most of you.) And for whatever the reasons were, I was not allowed to have a dog. I remember being eight, ten, thirteen and desperately wanting my own dog. And the answer was always no. I had a half-dozen stuffed animal dogs that accompanied my bed. I had the dog calendar, the dog bank, the dog ornaments, the dog mug, the dog books, everything but the dog. And I remember nights where I would lie in my bed and weep at the loss of a dream I so desperately had.

And now, I feel like that little eight year old boy again, weeping over the loss of a dream I had.

When I was eight, I just hoped maybe at nine or ten I would get the dog. And at twelve or thirteen and still no dog, I just hoped at fourteen or fifteen I'd get one.

But unlike when I was eight, there is no hope for this dream to happen again.

And I'm not sure at what age exactly it happened, but my love for dogs and animals was vanquished. And somewhere dislike and disgust took their place. Now today, I honestly dislike all dogs and pets in general.

My heart didn't "heal" over the loss of my dream for a dog. It grew cold, it grew lonely, and it grew hard.

I haven't had many dreams since not getting a puppy. But the dream that I was so sure would be and was crushed, was the first in a great many years. And it will probably be the last for a great many more.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Whatever

Oscar Wilde once wrote, "The heart was made to be broken."

I have been blessed in that when I look through my life, I can only find a few examples of when my heart was broken. Whether due to the loss of a loved one, life circumstances, or something else, the Lord really has allowed my heart to stay strong and steadfast.

But is it not those times when your heart is broken that you meet the Lord? Isn't it when your heart is hurting so much that you just don't know what to do and end up sitting for hours, trying to process, that some of the greatest encounters with God happen?

This season has been a season of the greatest disappointments, letdowns, and frustrations of my life. I used to say "whatever" when it came to letdowns. I used "whatever" all the time when it came to my frustrations. "Whatever", although it sounds calloused, was actually a reminder to myself that I should not let my disappointments and frustrations hold me back from serving the Lord. People were going to fail me. I was going to fail people. But I needed to serve the Lord in the midst of all that.

I stopped saying "whatever" a few years ago when it began to bother those in my life I cared for. To them, it sounded like I didn't care and was, at best, harsh. I tried hard to honor those requests. I worked to eradicate the word "whatever" from my life and haven't said it in well over a year.

But this season?

This season I am working desperately to remind myself to say "whatever". Not a "I don't care" whatever, but a "I can't care because it will hold me back from serving the Lord."

This entire season is so new for me. I don't know how to process the depth of disappointment and letdown that I have experienced. Because honestly? When I begin to process it, frustration overwhelms my soul.

I hope to never again be in a season where I have been so letdown. It has completely stolen my joy and everyday is now a struggle to hold at bay anger, bitterness, and hate - feelings until now, I have never known.

And what do you even say to a person in such a season? Outside of Christian cliches, I don't know. 

But the beauty of a heart completely broken by life is this:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Jesus heals the brokenhearted.

Let me say that again. Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, He heals the borkenhearted.

How?

I honestly don't have a clue. I can't see a day where my heart will once again be restored to full joy and love for people, life and the Lord. But the bible says He will heal my heart.

And not only that, but the bible says "and binds up their wounds". Jesus takes my pain (which to me is a big deal right now) and binds it up. Binding means to restrain. And you retrain something to hold it back from doing something. And what do wounds do? They cause pain. They bring back memories or feelings that inflict emotional and maybe even physical pain. But the Lord is able to bind them up so that there is no more pain.

I don't know how that is possible. But it's a promise that tonight I cling to.

The Lord never promised that because we live for Him life will be full of great joy, happiness, and we will never have any needs. On the contrary, He said "Take up your cross and follow Me".

This is a season, where I have to take up the cross of great letdown, disappointment, and frustration and bear it every day, bringing it to the Lord faithfully until He takes it away.

Where Art Thou Joy?

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a new student attending our church. As we talked about life, the church, and our stories, the conversation shifted to the topic of "trusting God". As I began to just share from my own life and how even now, more than ever, I am learning to trust the Lord. And as I shared, there came a point where this individual interjected and said "It's weird to hear you talk about learning to trust the Lord because I see you every Sunday on the worship team and think 'everyone up there has it all figured out and doesn't struggle with anything'."

I laughed.

"I don't have anything figured out" I responded. In fact, if you were to sit down with any of those who stand before the congregation on a Sunday morning, they would openly admit they don't have everything figured out nor are they the "model" Christian.

I have found myself in a season where joy is just not mine. It's something I must work for. Something I must work very hard for. There are many things now that make me frustrated and angry - things I never before was even fazed by. It seems as though I have little to no grace, patience, kindness, love, compassion, or empathy.

Instead, somehow, somewhere, cynicisim, harsh words, negativity, sarcasim, that has all replaced what was once the fruit of the Spirit.

Everyday, I find myself really battling these things. Although many around me may be surprised to hear this, I actually work really hard to not be negative and harsh. Believe it or not, what I say is the filtered responses. (Scary I know.)

And as much as I really want to just turn on the "joy switch", I can't. I honestly long for the days goneby where joy, love, a carefree spirit were mine. Where those around weren't negatively impacted by my words or mood. I used to bring the joy, the laughter, the encouraging word to the party. Now I arrive and if I do speak, it often is not joyful.

I hate this.

And this too weighs on my soul which causes me to be even more frustrated and joyless. It's a cyclical cycle where I desperately need God to intervene.

And unfortunately, I don't know how to act "normal" in the midst of this season. Because "normal" for Josh is joy, happiness, being uplifting, loving, outgoing...

 "Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ."  Philippians 3:8

I don't know how to act "normal" or how to restore the joy I once had. But this I do know; no matter the season I am in, I want to gain Christ. Whether it be a season full of joy and blessing, or be of loss and trials, I want to count it all loss that I might gain Him.

Not every day, not every season is going to be overflowing with blessing. There will be pain. There will be letdown. There will be loss. But whether I be full of great joy or overwhelming loss, I want to always be in pursuit of Christ.

I often find myself praying a simple prayer from Psalm 51: "Restore to me the joy of my salvation."  It's good to know I'm not the first one to have his joy taken away. And it's even better to know that Jesus can restore it. 

 "Gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Faithfulness 27 Years Down The Road

Thursday night I went out to dinner with my dad. We sat down to "catch up" on life. And most times when we get together it is just fun and relaxing. But Thursday night was more seriously. It was heavier as I began to tell my dad of the things that overwhelmed my soul.

Sometimes when I talk about my heart to my dad, I feel like such a little kid again. I'm not eight years old anymore. I'm almost twenty-six. And so I like to be able to meet with him having things figured out and my life functional. Who honestly likes to meet with their dad (or anyone) being completely overwhelmed and not having any clue about anything?

I knew we were going to talk about areas of my life where I am completely overwhelmed and even angry about. I knew I would have to be honest with the details and I couldn't just pretend like everything was "ok". In a way, I didn't want to go because of this. I wanted to just skip ahead to when my heart was not hurting, to when I had answers, to when I knew what I was doing with my future, and then meet with him.

He listened as I talked of my life and asked a few pointed questions here and there, but mostly listened. And when I was done, it was his turn to talk. And instead of giving me cliche answers like "God is in control" or "Every season has its purpose", he gave me Jesus. 

He talked about his faith in Christ and struggles from his own life. He talked about serving Him even in the midst of a heart overwhelmed and not having answers or having the future I thought I would have. He talked about hearing from the Lord and encouraged me that just because I stepped out in faith, just because I prayed, just because I sought what I felt was from the Lord, and it didn't come to pass doesn't mean I didn't hear from God. Humanity has free will. And this plays into the fulfillment of things to pass.

And perhaps for some, their fathers talking about serving Jesus and being faithful, talking about faith in the midst of a heart overwhelmed, that might not mean much. But for me? My dad has 27+ years of faithfulness and consistent love for the Lord to back it up. And trust me when I say, the areas in his life he has remained faithful amazes me. I look and often think "I couldn't do that".

[NOTE: I have never and will probably never meet a man more faithful than my dad.]

It was almost annoying because I realized just how short a time my heart has been overwhelmed and how such little time has passed where I have struggled to be faithful, and here was my dad sitting across from me encouraging me from a place of faithfulness 27 years further down the road. And I realized, without Jesus, there is no way I will be sitting across from anyone 27 years from now talking about faithfulness.

I left that night, my heart still hurting and still overwhelmed. But I was freshly encouraged to pursue the Lord even amidst this season of frustration and confusion. And my dad has gone on before me, blazing a trail of faithfulness and passion for the Lord. All I have to do is follow.

Memories And Thoughts Of Moving

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” - Haruki Murakami

I have found myself in a season where the memories of a different time, all of which I once looked upon with fondness, have left where I call home a place of loss and frustration.

I am looking and praying about the possibility of leaving. My soul needs to start afresh in a new place not plagued by memories of dreams built of a future that will never happen. And now, at almost 26 and having never been gone from home longer than 3 months, I find within myself a great restlessness to leave.

Actually, this desire to leave has long been within my heart. But I believe I have finally come upon a season where my soul is no longer able to just endure - even in the midst of the beauty and blessings of the North Country. Restlessness, a weary soul, and too many memories with people who are no longer in my life . . . it stirs inside of me a deep desire to begin anew somewhere I have never been.

I love the North Country. It is home. It will always be home. And I love the people and the church more than anything. And there is nothing I would love more than to leave for a season and then return. So I am praying and seeking for the right opportunity to leave - so that once gone, I can pray for the right opportunity to return.

But regardless of whether it be 10 minutes or 10,000 miles down the road I move, I want to serve Jesus wherever I am. Because at the end of the day, a new place, new friends, a new job, even a new church, that won't bring healing, satisfaction, or fulfillment. Only Jesus can.

And this is something even now, I am learning from my failures of placing fulfillment in other people. One of these days I'll learn. I'm just not sure which one it will be. 

Faithfulness

It's something I was taught from a young age. My parents, primarily my mother, imparted to me the importance of faithfulness through the many years of practice at the piano. I wasn't allowed to just quite because I didn't want to practice, or because the novelty or desire had worn off, or because it was hard. My mother wouldn't let me just give up because it was difficult. And in those moments of me wanting to just end my musical career, she would talk to me about faithfulness and the rewards of being faithful - something I wouldn't truly reap till college.

Faithfulness may not seem like a big deal because faithfulness isn't one big momentous performance or event that happens. It's not something "we prepare for" and then it arrives like a birthday. Rather, faithfulness is hundreds and maybe even thousands of moments where no one may even see you being faithful. 

I once heard my Senior Pastor say "Sometimes the best thing you can do is the thing you don't do".

What does that mean?

It means being faithful.

Growing up playing piano, I can't tell you the number of times I didn't want to practice and even wanted to quite. There were months where I went without a love for the piano or even music. I would cry. I would get angry. I would complain. But my mom never let me give into my emotions and desire to just walk away. She understood that the best thing I could do was the thing I didn't do - give up.

It's easy to give up. When things get difficult in my life, often, my first response wants to be "just give up". It's almost comforting to just give up. Had I been able to give up on piano growing up, I can tell you that it would have felt wonderful in that moment to have just stopped.

But what a loss it would have been if I had walked away from the piano at 12, 14, or 17. And in those moments of complete annoyance or lack of love for the piano, I thank God my mother was there to guide me and essentially, force me to continue with being faithful. Because I was not able (in those moments) to look ahead and see the benefits of being faithful. In the moment, all I knew was that it was hard, that I didn't love it anymore and I just wanted to quite. Thankfully my mom wouldn't let me. And had she, I would have forever looked back on the day I gave up and regretted it.

Had you told me that then though, I would have laughed and told you there was nothing I wanted more than to just quite.

Isn't that how it is so often in our lives? The areas where we struggle with faithfulness, it just seems so inviting and easy to give up, even if it means a loss. After all, is that thing we're being faithful to really that important?

My mom seemed to think so.

So next time you're considering not being faithful remember, "Sometimes the best thing you can do is the thing you don't do."

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11

A Wasted Investment

"Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows." - Ben Stein

I have been blessed with many a relationship over the years. Whether it be with my family or friends, I have had and do have many wonderful relationships. I think for most, we can name at least one if not a dozen or more relationships we have that we value, love, and invest ourselves, our very lives into.

Whether it be children, a coworker, a spouse, a friend, a cousin or romantic interest, we all have people in our lives that we value and take the time to invest in.

I could outline the return (success) that such relationships offer, but instead I would like to take a look into those relationships where perhaps the return is either minimal or nonexistent. Where as little as perhaps a few months have been invested to as great as many decades. Those relationships where you have sown, loved and poured yourself into.

The reality of sin is that people are broken.

This is something I often forget. I get so invested in my relationships with people that I get caught up in an almost Narnian-type world where I suddenly am Lucy, amazed and dazzled by everything and to a fault, ignorantly blinded to the reality that the relationships I invest in are broken by default. No matter how good they may be or seem, at the core, they're broken. They're broken because of sin.

The New Testament is chalk full of writings from Paul to the early Church on relational advice.  From the dawn of time people have always struggled in their relationships with one-another. Don't believe me? Just take a look at the divorce rate. Or perhaps spend an evening scrolling through your newsfeed and you'll see that humanity has a hard time relationally.

And if you're like me, caught up in this Narnian world of innocence, then you too become shocked and overwhelmed when a relationship you have invested in, loved, and poured yourself into unravels. It may look different for each, but I am sure you have all experienced a relationship where the return was more shocking than a blessing.

And in that moment of unraveling, it is easy for me to become callused and spiteful. "What a complete waste!" I think.

Perhaps these are words you have said or maybe even words that have been spoken to you.

I definitely tend to look at relationships that unravel and think "I shouldn't have wasted my time. I completely wasted my love and energy. Never again."

Remember when I said the reality of sin is that people are broken?

I'm broken. And this is my brokenness responding.

Why did I love and invest myself in the first place? 

 "We love because He first loved us" John 4:19

So why?

Because Jesus first loved me.

"Who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame..." Hebrew 12:1-2

Jesus didn't invest in me because it benefited Him. He invested in me because He loved me. And He looked ahead, to "the joy that was set before Him" - relationship with mankind both now and forever - and he endured the cross. 

I have to remind myself that my investment in relationships, no matter the amount of time, energy, or depth of love I give, it is not so I can solely benefit. I invest in people because Christ first invested in me. I love people because He first loved me. I am faithful to those in my life because the Lord was first faithful to me. 

[NOTE: I understand fully that this does not take the sting of pain away when a child, friend or spouse rebel, leave, or reject you. You are still left to deal with the disappointment, hurt, and pain.]

And so, I don't look to the return on the relationships I have to determine how much I should love and how much I should invest. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Jesus invested everything He had in me while I was still a sinner. The least I can do is invest myself in my relationships with people.

Unforgiveness And The Final Form Of Love

"Forgive and forget"

An anthem that I have often sung to not only myself, but to others around me. It is a proverb of sorts that I have tried to model my life after. Really though? It's just the bible condensed into a succinct three-word phrase. 

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18

Perhaps it's my personality, but in the past, I just haven't been prone to bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness. Mostly it's for selfish reasons though. I'm just too lazy to constantly stay angry or bitter at someone. Also, I generally like the people I'm angry with and miss them when we're not friends. Thus, I would rather be friends than be angry. (And I prefer peace over drama.)

And honestly? Most things that people do to annoy me, frustrate me, and even offend me really aren't worth being angry, offended or bitter over.

Who really cares if someone gossips about me? That just means I'm obviously important and interesting enough for them to want to talk about.

Does it really matter if my friend skipped meeting me for lunch and I'm left sitting alone? Is it worth me getting angry if a friend breaks my phone and doesn't pay for it? Should I really live in bitterness because I'm jealous of my friend who may have better things or a "better" life than me?
 

Should I be spiteful at someone because I feel insecure and even if they do everything better than me, is it worth it for me to be angry?

Do I really want to sever a friendship, create division, and end the memories I have with people because of some mistakes they've made? Because of their faults? Or maybe even because of my selfish feelings?

Candidly, most things I get frustrated, angry, or annoyed at are just stupid. And frankly? That is also true for you too.

But I know that there are some things that legitimately do make us angry, bitter and even lead to unforgiveness. Things like broken trust.

Trust broken is very hard on the heart - especially when the one who broke it either has no desire to repair it or does not care. Your heart is overwhelmed by the hurt and thousands of questions race through your mind unanswered.

Trust broken can literally take the proverbial "wind out of you" leaving you is disbelief. You try to process the pain and survey the emotional damage, but you find yourself drowning in your emotions and fighting to just gasp a bit of air to survive. You're overwhelmed and anger rushes in like a surge and your thoughts are consumed with disgust, fury, even hate towards the one who broke your trust.

And to be completely honest this is where my heart is today. This season has been marked by a new phenomena in my life. For the first time since I can remember, I have not been able to just "forgive and forget".

When one is wounded deeply, reciting "forgive and forget" religiously like the Rosary will neither bring forgiveness nor heal your heart. I can't heal my heart. Only Jesus can. 

But how do you forgive then? How do you move on?

I pray that the Lord keeps my heart tender first and foremost towards Him. For without a tender heart before the Lord, I am not a willing vessel to be changed, molded and shaped by Him. I am not able to let the Lord bring forth forgiveness and deposit love if I am not submitted to Him.

I pray, I worship, I journal, I talk, I seek counsel. I need Jesus. For without Him I will try and deal with this on my own. And to do so would be taking the first steps down a road that will lead me to bitterness and unforgiveness. Only Christ can restore my heart.

Secondly, I pray that He would keep my heart tender towards those who have hurt me. True forgiveness is not just saying "I forgive you" and moving on like nothing happened. Forgiveness is a heart change from anger, frustration, and hurt to a heart of love and kindness.

"Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen." 1 John 4:20

So I pray for a tender heart that out of it forgiveness may flow. 

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one." - Henry Ward Beecher 

"Forgiveness is the final form of love." - Reinhold Niebuhr

Value And Worth

You know what I love? When people tell me "Just find your worth in Jesus".

[NOTE: That was total sarcasm coated with zesty cynicism.]

It is so easy to find one's worth, purpose, even energy and excitement in things other than Jesus. Whether it be the amount of money one is making, the car one drives, the house one owns, or the romantic relationship one has.

I think that for some Christians, making lots of money, having a great boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, or driving a nice car does not necessarily define who they are, but rather, it adds value to their sense of worth, purpose, and can even fuel their joy.

It is easy to find one's worth esteemed by a girlfriend/boyfriend saying things like "I am so blessed that the Lord brought you into my life" or "I'm thankful I get to love you everyday for the rest of my life" or "How did I get so lucky to have you as my own?" etc.

Who wouldn't be stirred up by such things? And in and of themselves, there is nothing inherently wrong with such sayings. But it is easy to slowly let this add value to who you think you are.

It is easy to find one's purpose being fulfilled by the yearly salary of six or seven digit figures. Seeing the amount one makes or perhaps the freedom and flexibility wealth offers, it feels good. And it is easy to slowly let this also add value to who you think you are.

A nice house is just that. A nice house. But a nice house is so much more. It is a sense of security. A place to call "home". And the nicer it is, the better one can feel. After all, which of us hasn't gone to someone's home only to return to ours and think "I'm so glad I don't live there". We're proud of our "nice" homes and who doesn't want a gorgeous home? And so the home too, can slowly add value to who you think you are.

None of these things are wrong. I hope to someday have a girlfriend I can love passionately and pursue with all my heart. I hope someday to make lots of money. And I hope someday to have a beautiful house to call my home.

But the moment I let those things add value to who I think I am I become vulnerable - that without them, I am "lost" or "nothing".

Not only that, but I have surreptitiously placed my trust and love in things/people and not the Lord. And now, should I lose my big beautiful house, or get fired from my six figure job, or should my girlfriend break up with me, I become hopeless. Not because any one of those things "defined" me, but rather, because I placed some sense of my worth in them.

[NOTE: I understand that with any loss, there is a certain amount of sadness/grief that accompanies it. I'm not saying  should you lose your house/job/relationship, that as a "true Christian" you should be dancing down the streets singing happy hymns.]

Having a nice home, going to a good university, having a fantastic job, a great girlfriend or awesome boyfriend, having an incredible spouse, none of these are wrong. BUT if I don't place Jesus over them, then they become my sense of value and worth. That without them, my life and purpose is hopeless.

 

Only Jesus can give me worth and value. Anything else is temporary and will fail. And if Jesus is not first, if He does not hold my whole heart, He will relentlessly pursue me and remove all other forms of worth and value that I have added to my life until it is only Him.

Jesus didn't die on the cross to share my love and value with a house, a relationship, or money. He died on the cross to have my complete love and to be my total sense of value.

The challenge is not to run away from wealth, a nice house, a loving girlfriend/boyfriend, fancy car or an IV league school. The challenge is to keep Jesus primary in the midst of all those things. To not become carried away and place my value in the high paying job, the big house, or the affirmation and love of a romantic relationship.

It's not easy. I have failed. Many times. 

 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

Hope Deferred vs. Faith

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12 

In my life I have had hope deferred over, and over, and over again. In some instances, my hope has been deferred for not one, but two, even three years.

[NOTE: For some of you three years may be a drop in the bucket. I recognize that some have had hope deferred for many years. So I'm not claiming "longest hope deferred" title here.]

Proverbs says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. What does sick mean?

For me, I think that means cynicism, frustration, and hopelessness. When there is a dream (hope) of something and it is never realized, your soul becomes weary holding out hope that someday it might happen."Might happen" does not offer much hope. And often, I think in the end, giving up is just easier. Why wait? It's not like anything is going to change anyways.

And for some, they can testify to this day of hope being deferred and nothing changing.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" - Hebrews 11:1

So what is the difference between faith (things hoped for) and hope? If hope deferred makes the heart grow sick, can faith deferred make the heart grow sick too?

In my life there have been instances where I was convinced God was speaking and leading. Areas where I not only had faith, but lived every day believing that He was going to come through and a testimony would arise. But then doors closed. Hearts changed. Things ended. And my faith, the substance of things hoped for? Well let's just say my heart grew sick.

And much like physical sickness, when your body doesn't have time to fully recover before getting sick again, you're just ill for a longer period.

So it is with hope deferred.

The heart can end up living months, even years, sick. And so hopelessness sets in. Little by little, even your desire to have hope is stripped away. Your dreams are gone as well as all desire to dream. The faith that fueled your desire to hope is extinct and all you are left with is yourself and your circumstances. And so you either become bitter, angry, cynical, and unforgiving, or you just  make do in your life of hopelessness. After all, nothing is going to change. This is your life now and you accept it and may even label it "a new season".

And so begins the cyclical cycle of hopelessness.

You say nothing is going to change because you're in a hopeless state of hopelessness that produces only  hopelessness for your hopeless state.

And the curse of hopelessness?

Even though intellectually you may know that God could come through in your hopelessness and make the impossible possible, you're too hopeless to actually believe it or see it - even though you know it. And now faith, the very thing that brings you into your relationship with Jesus, is nullified from your life.

"O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?"
- Romans 7:24

Jesus, the Son of God. He is the One who can deliver you from hopelessness.

He is the only way out. He is the only way to have hope again. He is the only way to dream again. He is the only One who can restore your faith. He is the only One who can give you joy.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." - Psalm 34:18-20

So tonight, even in the midst of hope deferred and my heart being sick, I look to the Lord who is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit. Because only He will restore to me the joy of my salvation. 

Love The Feeling Hurts

A friend recently posted 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 on Facebook and much like Canon in D, this passage of scripture is sure to bring a nauseating feeling for any frequent wedding goer in the middle of a ceremony. 

If you're not familiar with the passage here it is:

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

This is actually an incredible section of scripture. And I have discovered that in my life there exists two types of love. There is "love the feeling" and "love the action". Although both contain the word "love" they couldn't be further juxtaposed.

Love the feeling will not suffer long. Love the feeling may be kind for a season, but will not remain kind. Love the feeling does not bear all things or believe all things. And love the feeling most definitely does not hope or endure all things.

And in today's culture, whether secular or Christian, the word "love" is often used to express a sentiment, a feeling towards another. Whether it be from husband to wife, girl-friend to boy-friend, friend to friend, or grandpa to grand-daughter, it is a word reserved only for the most special people because really when one says "I love you" what they're saying is "My love is a 1 Corinthians 13 love".

Yet all too often the word "love", although at times may resemble a shadow of 1 Corinthians 13, is really just a feeling. And the problem with feelings is that they are subject to change and are not rooted in anything but emotion.

[NOTE: Now for you literalists out there, I understand that accompanied with love are feelings. I know that love is not a robotic response. Just keep reading and get off your literalist soapbox for a second.]

True love couldn't be further from just an emotion though.

"For God so loved the word that gave His only begotten Son..."
- John 3:16

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends."
- John 15:13

True love is an action that demands a result. God couldn't just sit in heaven and spend every day saying "I love humanity." If He truly loved humanity, an action was required. Because true love takes an emotional response and makes it a literal example.

As a Christian, I think I'm more susceptible perhaps than others to almost irreverently throwing around the word "love" at people. For me, when someone tells me that they love me, I don't think of their love as being conditional or momentary. And I most definitely don't think of it as selfish. And I would hope that anyone I say "I love you" to would think the same. Because that is what biblical love is. 

But where offense, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and even cynicism can creep in is from when someone tells you they love you and so in return you trust and love them, invest your life in them, count on them, and then one day they walk away from you or let you down and don't care. 

"How could you?" you might say.

"I don't understand." perhaps you think.

What happened? It was love the feeling and not love the action. It was not a 1 Corinthians 13 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things love. It was merely an emotional response used to convey the magnitude and commitment of a 1 Corinthians 13 love, but was just a shadow of the real thing. 

And this is where so many relationships, friendships, churches, and families have broken apart. And it is also where for many, the road began towards bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, and cynicism.  

"Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." - Proverbs 18:21

The words "I love you" can bring great life to those around you but when not lived out like 1 Corinthains 13, they can also bring death to your relationships with people. 

"Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him." - Proverbs 29:20

May I be someone who is careful to whom I say "I love you" to and to those I have already said it to, ask the Lord to help me to daily live out a 1 Corinthians 13 love.