Where Is My Trust?

The problem with being honest with people is that to some extent you have to trust them. Trust them with your thoughts, feelings, even the very details of your life. 

In years past, I never thought twice about trusting someone. I never had reason to doubt that someone I loved and was close with couldn't or wouldn't be trustworthy. 

However this was naive thinking. I have learned that now. 

I recognize a dilemma in my life. I tend not to trust people. Even those who have been there for years and have shown their faithfulness to me - whether through word or action - I just don't fully trust anymore.

Perhaps it's my cynicism. Or perhaps it was the fact that someone who once had shared my trust for years and had my complete confidence decided they wanted to throw it all away - because being a committed and faithful friend was just too hard "apparently". 

But whatever. 

I should have seen it coming. I should have known better and it was a very good learning lesson. One I will always remember. 

And isn't that how life lessons are learned? Through mistakes? 

I am learning the lesson of being careful who you trust because not everyone is trustworthy. It was a mistake. A big mistake. 

But in a season where I find my thoughts quickly moving towards anger and hate, I am reminded that although I may not have done the same to another, I am no better. 

It's easy to puff oneself up and think "I would never do that" and begin comparing yourself to others around you. I'm broken. I'm sinful. I'm sure I've hurt people and probably don't even know the extent I have hurt some because they carried in silence the pain and walked forgiveness in the quietness of their own heart. 

I can look at those who have hurt me, see them continuing in the happiness and enjoyment of their lives - having moved forward without second thought or concern for the things I had deeply valued - and think in disgust "I would never be that shallow or mean to people in my life". 

I may not act out in the same manner the hurt or disappoinments inflicted on me, but trust me, I have let the Lord down more times than I can count. I have not been perfectly faithful to Him. I can look at my life and see specific points where when something of greater interest took hold of my love and desire, my commitment floundered and I ran with excitement towards people and things that looked to be far greater and more enjoyable than my relationship with Christ. 

I can try and pride myself on my "commitment" to those around me, but I cannot pride myself on my commitment to the Lord - the most important relationship in my life. Because I have failed Him. Over and over. 

Yet His faithfulness to me remains steadfast and unwavering. 

I. Do. Not. Have. A. Box. For. This.

I don't think I could be, or am, that faithful to even myself. Yet the Lord is. 

And so, in the middle of a season where I am learning to walk through mistakes, both by others and myself, I am working hard to keep my focus the Lord and not those who have wavered and left. Jesus needs to be my all. Not friendships. Not people.

And I guess it took someone giving up a friendship and wanting nothing to do with me to teach me afresh the importance of Christ being my everything. People will leave me. People will let me down. But is my hope in Christ or in the faithfulness of people?

May it be only in Christ.  

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."       Romans 15:13