Thanksgiving Eve

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving.

Giving thanks.

This season I have found myself seldomly giving thanks. It's not that I'm ungrateful, nor am I unappreciative of the blessings I've received both from the Lord and people around me. But the darkness that shrouds my soul has left me with neither vigor for life nor words of thanks. 

The days pass... one after another. Often I lose track of them. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, Christmas a month away, and the new year creeps quickly around the corner. 

Recently my pastor said to me "You don't handle bitternss well. Some people can handle it, but for you, it's cancerous to your soul." 

Bitterness.  

It just doesn't make sense. It really doesn't. That's not who I am. That has never been me. It's an ugliness that is as foriegn a stranger to me as murder. Yet like the ficticious Dr. Jeykll, I am meeting the "Mr. Hyde" of my life. And the darkness of bitterness, disappointment, let down, hate, disgust, loss... it's something I am horrified by. 

Yet the desire to even break from the grasp of Mr. Hyde is... is not even there. I just don't even care. Why care? Caring is the very thing that caused... well... it doesn't matter. 

But I have been around long enough to know that even small steps towards "normalcy" is better than no steps at all. So on the eve of this snowy Thanksgiving I am going to force my soul to give thanks. 

This season is humbling for me. I have never before been so "broken", vulnerable, in front of friends and family. Never before have I been so cast down that everyone, including some children, have noticed. And for me, I'm just not the guy who gets "down" or "depressed". 

I used to be an encourager. I used to rejuvenate people. I used to bring joy to people. I used to... well I used to a lot of things. But now, I am the one who is receiving from the outpouring of love, encouragement and blessings from others. 

So today, I want to give thanks for the many people who have taken the time to write me and pray for me. I have received a half dozen messages over the last month from friends who have written to encourage me and love on me. 

Here is a recent encouraging excerpt from a friend: 

"Just know when you think you can't stand anymore or haven't enough faith, just know that's OK bc there are those of us believing for you and carrying you in prayer."

I am thankful for all you who care, who write, who pray, and who love me. Please don't let the darkness of my soul nor my cynicism detract from my sincere thanks for all you have each done to come alongside me and walk with me through a season of heaviness I never thought I would walk through. I am grateful. 

I continue to look to the Lord to lead me through this valley. May He be glorified in some way through my brokenness.