Where Art Thou Joy?

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a new student attending our church. As we talked about life, the church, and our stories, the conversation shifted to the topic of "trusting God". As I began to just share from my own life and how even now, more than ever, I am learning to trust the Lord. And as I shared, there came a point where this individual interjected and said "It's weird to hear you talk about learning to trust the Lord because I see you every Sunday on the worship team and think 'everyone up there has it all figured out and doesn't struggle with anything'."

I laughed.

"I don't have anything figured out" I responded. In fact, if you were to sit down with any of those who stand before the congregation on a Sunday morning, they would openly admit they don't have everything figured out nor are they the "model" Christian.

I have found myself in a season where joy is just not mine. It's something I must work for. Something I must work very hard for. There are many things now that make me frustrated and angry - things I never before was even fazed by. It seems as though I have little to no grace, patience, kindness, love, compassion, or empathy.

Instead, somehow, somewhere, cynicisim, harsh words, negativity, sarcasim, that has all replaced what was once the fruit of the Spirit.

Everyday, I find myself really battling these things. Although many around me may be surprised to hear this, I actually work really hard to not be negative and harsh. Believe it or not, what I say is the filtered responses. (Scary I know.)

And as much as I really want to just turn on the "joy switch", I can't. I honestly long for the days goneby where joy, love, a carefree spirit were mine. Where those around weren't negatively impacted by my words or mood. I used to bring the joy, the laughter, the encouraging word to the party. Now I arrive and if I do speak, it often is not joyful.

I hate this.

And this too weighs on my soul which causes me to be even more frustrated and joyless. It's a cyclical cycle where I desperately need God to intervene.

And unfortunately, I don't know how to act "normal" in the midst of this season. Because "normal" for Josh is joy, happiness, being uplifting, loving, outgoing...

 "Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ."  Philippians 3:8

I don't know how to act "normal" or how to restore the joy I once had. But this I do know; no matter the season I am in, I want to gain Christ. Whether it be a season full of joy and blessing, or be of loss and trials, I want to count it all loss that I might gain Him.

Not every day, not every season is going to be overflowing with blessing. There will be pain. There will be letdown. There will be loss. But whether I be full of great joy or overwhelming loss, I want to always be in pursuit of Christ.

I often find myself praying a simple prayer from Psalm 51: "Restore to me the joy of my salvation."  It's good to know I'm not the first one to have his joy taken away. And it's even better to know that Jesus can restore it. 

 "Gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer