Whatever

Oscar Wilde once wrote, "The heart was made to be broken."

I have been blessed in that when I look through my life, I can only find a few examples of when my heart was broken. Whether due to the loss of a loved one, life circumstances, or something else, the Lord really has allowed my heart to stay strong and steadfast.

But is it not those times when your heart is broken that you meet the Lord? Isn't it when your heart is hurting so much that you just don't know what to do and end up sitting for hours, trying to process, that some of the greatest encounters with God happen?

This season has been a season of the greatest disappointments, letdowns, and frustrations of my life. I used to say "whatever" when it came to letdowns. I used "whatever" all the time when it came to my frustrations. "Whatever", although it sounds calloused, was actually a reminder to myself that I should not let my disappointments and frustrations hold me back from serving the Lord. People were going to fail me. I was going to fail people. But I needed to serve the Lord in the midst of all that.

I stopped saying "whatever" a few years ago when it began to bother those in my life I cared for. To them, it sounded like I didn't care and was, at best, harsh. I tried hard to honor those requests. I worked to eradicate the word "whatever" from my life and haven't said it in well over a year.

But this season?

This season I am working desperately to remind myself to say "whatever". Not a "I don't care" whatever, but a "I can't care because it will hold me back from serving the Lord."

This entire season is so new for me. I don't know how to process the depth of disappointment and letdown that I have experienced. Because honestly? When I begin to process it, frustration overwhelms my soul.

I hope to never again be in a season where I have been so letdown. It has completely stolen my joy and everyday is now a struggle to hold at bay anger, bitterness, and hate - feelings until now, I have never known.

And what do you even say to a person in such a season? Outside of Christian cliches, I don't know. 

But the beauty of a heart completely broken by life is this:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Jesus heals the brokenhearted.

Let me say that again. Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, He heals the borkenhearted.

How?

I honestly don't have a clue. I can't see a day where my heart will once again be restored to full joy and love for people, life and the Lord. But the bible says He will heal my heart.

And not only that, but the bible says "and binds up their wounds". Jesus takes my pain (which to me is a big deal right now) and binds it up. Binding means to restrain. And you retrain something to hold it back from doing something. And what do wounds do? They cause pain. They bring back memories or feelings that inflict emotional and maybe even physical pain. But the Lord is able to bind them up so that there is no more pain.

I don't know how that is possible. But it's a promise that tonight I cling to.

The Lord never promised that because we live for Him life will be full of great joy, happiness, and we will never have any needs. On the contrary, He said "Take up your cross and follow Me".

This is a season, where I have to take up the cross of great letdown, disappointment, and frustration and bear it every day, bringing it to the Lord faithfully until He takes it away.