Aggressive About My Soul

The Christmas tree stood festively stoic in the corner, transcending a luminescent glow throughout the room. The wood stove radiated of warmth and the flames jumped longingly at the glass door as if attempting to escape. The smell of our Italian dinner, consumed only hours earlier, still lingered throughout the air. Everyone else had gone to bed except us. She laid on the couch and I sat opposite upon another.

This was her last night visiting the North Country and although she probably should have been fast asleep, she used her final hours to encourage me.

"You need to get aggressive about your soul" she said.

It wasn't the first time she had said this to me. It probably wasn't going to be the last either.

I smiled and responded, "Yeah." My voice trailed off, revealing an obvious absence of confidence in my answer.

"I'm serious Josh!" she replied with more conviction. "You need to get aggressive about your soul." 

~~~

I know the messages, the bible passages, the words to say, the worship songs to sing, the "right" things to do in this season. I've preached them. I've said them. I've encouraged many before who have stood where I am today.

I'm not lacking "knowledge" of what to do in a season where my soul is darkened by the realities of life. I'm not frantically searching Scripture in desperate attempts to find a verse that speaks to the broken-hearted. I know where those scriptures are. I know what the bible says about life, about difficulties, about the goodness of God.

I know my soul is broken. And I am not lacking in understanding of this nor in the abilities of God to heal and restore it. What I lack is a desire to even care for a restoration.

This is probably the most vulnerable thing I have publicly shared about myself. I honestly am not looking for cards in the mail or Facebook comments that use Christian sentiments as a pat on the back of encouragement. I'm not being honest because I am groveling for encouragement and compliments.

I write this to be honest with you. Because you're my friends, you're my family, you're the people who live with me, work with me, stand by me, love me, and pray for me.

I'm honest, not to start a "pray for Josh campaign" or a "be concerned for Josh campaign" or a "let's say nice things to Josh campaign". I'm honest because you deserve honesty. You deserve the truth. And it's something I haven't always been given in my relationships with people. So I want to be honest as much as possible with you.

~~~

"You're going to have to make sacrifices if you're going to get aggressive about your soul." She stated it calmly, but it was accompanied by a desire to see this season pass in my life.

The snow was now lightly falling outside the window and my eyes darted about the room, avoiding her gaze.

"Yup." I tersely responded as I inhaled and then exhaled - a lucid sign that I was silently saying "I know what you mean and you're right. I just don't know if I care to be aggressive."

She smiled. She must have known what I was thinking even though I hadn't voiced it.

As the hands on the clock danced on in a perfect duet, we talked and soon it was time to bid her good night and ultimately, a farewell.

"Keep me updated on your life" she said.

I'm not sure I responded. But we hugged and I walked out into the winter's night.