My Dream

We all have dreams. I'm not talking about the dreams that happen at night, but the dreams of our future, ideas, plans, things to accomplish, things we want to do.

I had a dream once that I was so sure was going to happen. There was never a moment of doubt that this dream I had wouldn't come to pass. I never was given any reason to assume it couldn't be possible. I planned, I acted, I lived like this dream would be.

I'm not sure how it happened, but that dream was crushed.

I gave everything for this dream. I lived every day anxiously and excitedly waiting for it to be. I prayed for it to come to pass. I had faith for it to happen. I never thought that it couldn't or wouldn't be.

As with any dream that fails, you ask why. I have asked why a thousand times. I have spent hours before the Lord and still no answer.

I will probably never know this side of eternity why my dream was destroyed. I will probably wake every day for the rest of my life and wonder why.

I remember being a kid and having the dream of having a puppy, a dog, as my own. When I was younger, I loved animals, especially dogs. (This probably comes as a shock to most of you.) And for whatever the reasons were, I was not allowed to have a dog. I remember being eight, ten, thirteen and desperately wanting my own dog. And the answer was always no. I had a half-dozen stuffed animal dogs that accompanied my bed. I had the dog calendar, the dog bank, the dog ornaments, the dog mug, the dog books, everything but the dog. And I remember nights where I would lie in my bed and weep at the loss of a dream I so desperately had.

And now, I feel like that little eight year old boy again, weeping over the loss of a dream I had.

When I was eight, I just hoped maybe at nine or ten I would get the dog. And at twelve or thirteen and still no dog, I just hoped at fourteen or fifteen I'd get one.

But unlike when I was eight, there is no hope for this dream to happen again.

And I'm not sure at what age exactly it happened, but my love for dogs and animals was vanquished. And somewhere dislike and disgust took their place. Now today, I honestly dislike all dogs and pets in general.

My heart didn't "heal" over the loss of my dream for a dog. It grew cold, it grew lonely, and it grew hard.

I haven't had many dreams since not getting a puppy. But the dream that I was so sure would be and was crushed, was the first in a great many years. And it will probably be the last for a great many more.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Whatever

Oscar Wilde once wrote, "The heart was made to be broken."

I have been blessed in that when I look through my life, I can only find a few examples of when my heart was broken. Whether due to the loss of a loved one, life circumstances, or something else, the Lord really has allowed my heart to stay strong and steadfast.

But is it not those times when your heart is broken that you meet the Lord? Isn't it when your heart is hurting so much that you just don't know what to do and end up sitting for hours, trying to process, that some of the greatest encounters with God happen?

This season has been a season of the greatest disappointments, letdowns, and frustrations of my life. I used to say "whatever" when it came to letdowns. I used "whatever" all the time when it came to my frustrations. "Whatever", although it sounds calloused, was actually a reminder to myself that I should not let my disappointments and frustrations hold me back from serving the Lord. People were going to fail me. I was going to fail people. But I needed to serve the Lord in the midst of all that.

I stopped saying "whatever" a few years ago when it began to bother those in my life I cared for. To them, it sounded like I didn't care and was, at best, harsh. I tried hard to honor those requests. I worked to eradicate the word "whatever" from my life and haven't said it in well over a year.

But this season?

This season I am working desperately to remind myself to say "whatever". Not a "I don't care" whatever, but a "I can't care because it will hold me back from serving the Lord."

This entire season is so new for me. I don't know how to process the depth of disappointment and letdown that I have experienced. Because honestly? When I begin to process it, frustration overwhelms my soul.

I hope to never again be in a season where I have been so letdown. It has completely stolen my joy and everyday is now a struggle to hold at bay anger, bitterness, and hate - feelings until now, I have never known.

And what do you even say to a person in such a season? Outside of Christian cliches, I don't know. 

But the beauty of a heart completely broken by life is this:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Jesus heals the brokenhearted.

Let me say that again. Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us, He heals the borkenhearted.

How?

I honestly don't have a clue. I can't see a day where my heart will once again be restored to full joy and love for people, life and the Lord. But the bible says He will heal my heart.

And not only that, but the bible says "and binds up their wounds". Jesus takes my pain (which to me is a big deal right now) and binds it up. Binding means to restrain. And you retrain something to hold it back from doing something. And what do wounds do? They cause pain. They bring back memories or feelings that inflict emotional and maybe even physical pain. But the Lord is able to bind them up so that there is no more pain.

I don't know how that is possible. But it's a promise that tonight I cling to.

The Lord never promised that because we live for Him life will be full of great joy, happiness, and we will never have any needs. On the contrary, He said "Take up your cross and follow Me".

This is a season, where I have to take up the cross of great letdown, disappointment, and frustration and bear it every day, bringing it to the Lord faithfully until He takes it away.

Where Art Thou Joy?

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a new student attending our church. As we talked about life, the church, and our stories, the conversation shifted to the topic of "trusting God". As I began to just share from my own life and how even now, more than ever, I am learning to trust the Lord. And as I shared, there came a point where this individual interjected and said "It's weird to hear you talk about learning to trust the Lord because I see you every Sunday on the worship team and think 'everyone up there has it all figured out and doesn't struggle with anything'."

I laughed.

"I don't have anything figured out" I responded. In fact, if you were to sit down with any of those who stand before the congregation on a Sunday morning, they would openly admit they don't have everything figured out nor are they the "model" Christian.

I have found myself in a season where joy is just not mine. It's something I must work for. Something I must work very hard for. There are many things now that make me frustrated and angry - things I never before was even fazed by. It seems as though I have little to no grace, patience, kindness, love, compassion, or empathy.

Instead, somehow, somewhere, cynicisim, harsh words, negativity, sarcasim, that has all replaced what was once the fruit of the Spirit.

Everyday, I find myself really battling these things. Although many around me may be surprised to hear this, I actually work really hard to not be negative and harsh. Believe it or not, what I say is the filtered responses. (Scary I know.)

And as much as I really want to just turn on the "joy switch", I can't. I honestly long for the days goneby where joy, love, a carefree spirit were mine. Where those around weren't negatively impacted by my words or mood. I used to bring the joy, the laughter, the encouraging word to the party. Now I arrive and if I do speak, it often is not joyful.

I hate this.

And this too weighs on my soul which causes me to be even more frustrated and joyless. It's a cyclical cycle where I desperately need God to intervene.

And unfortunately, I don't know how to act "normal" in the midst of this season. Because "normal" for Josh is joy, happiness, being uplifting, loving, outgoing...

 "Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ."  Philippians 3:8

I don't know how to act "normal" or how to restore the joy I once had. But this I do know; no matter the season I am in, I want to gain Christ. Whether it be a season full of joy and blessing, or be of loss and trials, I want to count it all loss that I might gain Him.

Not every day, not every season is going to be overflowing with blessing. There will be pain. There will be letdown. There will be loss. But whether I be full of great joy or overwhelming loss, I want to always be in pursuit of Christ.

I often find myself praying a simple prayer from Psalm 51: "Restore to me the joy of my salvation."  It's good to know I'm not the first one to have his joy taken away. And it's even better to know that Jesus can restore it. 

 "Gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Faithfulness 27 Years Down The Road

Thursday night I went out to dinner with my dad. We sat down to "catch up" on life. And most times when we get together it is just fun and relaxing. But Thursday night was more seriously. It was heavier as I began to tell my dad of the things that overwhelmed my soul.

Sometimes when I talk about my heart to my dad, I feel like such a little kid again. I'm not eight years old anymore. I'm almost twenty-six. And so I like to be able to meet with him having things figured out and my life functional. Who honestly likes to meet with their dad (or anyone) being completely overwhelmed and not having any clue about anything?

I knew we were going to talk about areas of my life where I am completely overwhelmed and even angry about. I knew I would have to be honest with the details and I couldn't just pretend like everything was "ok". In a way, I didn't want to go because of this. I wanted to just skip ahead to when my heart was not hurting, to when I had answers, to when I knew what I was doing with my future, and then meet with him.

He listened as I talked of my life and asked a few pointed questions here and there, but mostly listened. And when I was done, it was his turn to talk. And instead of giving me cliche answers like "God is in control" or "Every season has its purpose", he gave me Jesus. 

He talked about his faith in Christ and struggles from his own life. He talked about serving Him even in the midst of a heart overwhelmed and not having answers or having the future I thought I would have. He talked about hearing from the Lord and encouraged me that just because I stepped out in faith, just because I prayed, just because I sought what I felt was from the Lord, and it didn't come to pass doesn't mean I didn't hear from God. Humanity has free will. And this plays into the fulfillment of things to pass.

And perhaps for some, their fathers talking about serving Jesus and being faithful, talking about faith in the midst of a heart overwhelmed, that might not mean much. But for me? My dad has 27+ years of faithfulness and consistent love for the Lord to back it up. And trust me when I say, the areas in his life he has remained faithful amazes me. I look and often think "I couldn't do that".

[NOTE: I have never and will probably never meet a man more faithful than my dad.]

It was almost annoying because I realized just how short a time my heart has been overwhelmed and how such little time has passed where I have struggled to be faithful, and here was my dad sitting across from me encouraging me from a place of faithfulness 27 years further down the road. And I realized, without Jesus, there is no way I will be sitting across from anyone 27 years from now talking about faithfulness.

I left that night, my heart still hurting and still overwhelmed. But I was freshly encouraged to pursue the Lord even amidst this season of frustration and confusion. And my dad has gone on before me, blazing a trail of faithfulness and passion for the Lord. All I have to do is follow.

Memories And Thoughts Of Moving

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” - Haruki Murakami

I have found myself in a season where the memories of a different time, all of which I once looked upon with fondness, have left where I call home a place of loss and frustration.

I am looking and praying about the possibility of leaving. My soul needs to start afresh in a new place not plagued by memories of dreams built of a future that will never happen. And now, at almost 26 and having never been gone from home longer than 3 months, I find within myself a great restlessness to leave.

Actually, this desire to leave has long been within my heart. But I believe I have finally come upon a season where my soul is no longer able to just endure - even in the midst of the beauty and blessings of the North Country. Restlessness, a weary soul, and too many memories with people who are no longer in my life . . . it stirs inside of me a deep desire to begin anew somewhere I have never been.

I love the North Country. It is home. It will always be home. And I love the people and the church more than anything. And there is nothing I would love more than to leave for a season and then return. So I am praying and seeking for the right opportunity to leave - so that once gone, I can pray for the right opportunity to return.

But regardless of whether it be 10 minutes or 10,000 miles down the road I move, I want to serve Jesus wherever I am. Because at the end of the day, a new place, new friends, a new job, even a new church, that won't bring healing, satisfaction, or fulfillment. Only Jesus can.

And this is something even now, I am learning from my failures of placing fulfillment in other people. One of these days I'll learn. I'm just not sure which one it will be. 

Faithfulness

It's something I was taught from a young age. My parents, primarily my mother, imparted to me the importance of faithfulness through the many years of practice at the piano. I wasn't allowed to just quite because I didn't want to practice, or because the novelty or desire had worn off, or because it was hard. My mother wouldn't let me just give up because it was difficult. And in those moments of me wanting to just end my musical career, she would talk to me about faithfulness and the rewards of being faithful - something I wouldn't truly reap till college.

Faithfulness may not seem like a big deal because faithfulness isn't one big momentous performance or event that happens. It's not something "we prepare for" and then it arrives like a birthday. Rather, faithfulness is hundreds and maybe even thousands of moments where no one may even see you being faithful. 

I once heard my Senior Pastor say "Sometimes the best thing you can do is the thing you don't do".

What does that mean?

It means being faithful.

Growing up playing piano, I can't tell you the number of times I didn't want to practice and even wanted to quite. There were months where I went without a love for the piano or even music. I would cry. I would get angry. I would complain. But my mom never let me give into my emotions and desire to just walk away. She understood that the best thing I could do was the thing I didn't do - give up.

It's easy to give up. When things get difficult in my life, often, my first response wants to be "just give up". It's almost comforting to just give up. Had I been able to give up on piano growing up, I can tell you that it would have felt wonderful in that moment to have just stopped.

But what a loss it would have been if I had walked away from the piano at 12, 14, or 17. And in those moments of complete annoyance or lack of love for the piano, I thank God my mother was there to guide me and essentially, force me to continue with being faithful. Because I was not able (in those moments) to look ahead and see the benefits of being faithful. In the moment, all I knew was that it was hard, that I didn't love it anymore and I just wanted to quite. Thankfully my mom wouldn't let me. And had she, I would have forever looked back on the day I gave up and regretted it.

Had you told me that then though, I would have laughed and told you there was nothing I wanted more than to just quite.

Isn't that how it is so often in our lives? The areas where we struggle with faithfulness, it just seems so inviting and easy to give up, even if it means a loss. After all, is that thing we're being faithful to really that important?

My mom seemed to think so.

So next time you're considering not being faithful remember, "Sometimes the best thing you can do is the thing you don't do."

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11

A Wasted Investment

"Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows." - Ben Stein

I have been blessed with many a relationship over the years. Whether it be with my family or friends, I have had and do have many wonderful relationships. I think for most, we can name at least one if not a dozen or more relationships we have that we value, love, and invest ourselves, our very lives into.

Whether it be children, a coworker, a spouse, a friend, a cousin or romantic interest, we all have people in our lives that we value and take the time to invest in.

I could outline the return (success) that such relationships offer, but instead I would like to take a look into those relationships where perhaps the return is either minimal or nonexistent. Where as little as perhaps a few months have been invested to as great as many decades. Those relationships where you have sown, loved and poured yourself into.

The reality of sin is that people are broken.

This is something I often forget. I get so invested in my relationships with people that I get caught up in an almost Narnian-type world where I suddenly am Lucy, amazed and dazzled by everything and to a fault, ignorantly blinded to the reality that the relationships I invest in are broken by default. No matter how good they may be or seem, at the core, they're broken. They're broken because of sin.

The New Testament is chalk full of writings from Paul to the early Church on relational advice.  From the dawn of time people have always struggled in their relationships with one-another. Don't believe me? Just take a look at the divorce rate. Or perhaps spend an evening scrolling through your newsfeed and you'll see that humanity has a hard time relationally.

And if you're like me, caught up in this Narnian world of innocence, then you too become shocked and overwhelmed when a relationship you have invested in, loved, and poured yourself into unravels. It may look different for each, but I am sure you have all experienced a relationship where the return was more shocking than a blessing.

And in that moment of unraveling, it is easy for me to become callused and spiteful. "What a complete waste!" I think.

Perhaps these are words you have said or maybe even words that have been spoken to you.

I definitely tend to look at relationships that unravel and think "I shouldn't have wasted my time. I completely wasted my love and energy. Never again."

Remember when I said the reality of sin is that people are broken?

I'm broken. And this is my brokenness responding.

Why did I love and invest myself in the first place? 

 "We love because He first loved us" John 4:19

So why?

Because Jesus first loved me.

"Who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame..." Hebrew 12:1-2

Jesus didn't invest in me because it benefited Him. He invested in me because He loved me. And He looked ahead, to "the joy that was set before Him" - relationship with mankind both now and forever - and he endured the cross. 

I have to remind myself that my investment in relationships, no matter the amount of time, energy, or depth of love I give, it is not so I can solely benefit. I invest in people because Christ first invested in me. I love people because He first loved me. I am faithful to those in my life because the Lord was first faithful to me. 

[NOTE: I understand fully that this does not take the sting of pain away when a child, friend or spouse rebel, leave, or reject you. You are still left to deal with the disappointment, hurt, and pain.]

And so, I don't look to the return on the relationships I have to determine how much I should love and how much I should invest. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Jesus invested everything He had in me while I was still a sinner. The least I can do is invest myself in my relationships with people.

Unforgiveness And The Final Form Of Love

"Forgive and forget"

An anthem that I have often sung to not only myself, but to others around me. It is a proverb of sorts that I have tried to model my life after. Really though? It's just the bible condensed into a succinct three-word phrase. 

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18

Perhaps it's my personality, but in the past, I just haven't been prone to bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness. Mostly it's for selfish reasons though. I'm just too lazy to constantly stay angry or bitter at someone. Also, I generally like the people I'm angry with and miss them when we're not friends. Thus, I would rather be friends than be angry. (And I prefer peace over drama.)

And honestly? Most things that people do to annoy me, frustrate me, and even offend me really aren't worth being angry, offended or bitter over.

Who really cares if someone gossips about me? That just means I'm obviously important and interesting enough for them to want to talk about.

Does it really matter if my friend skipped meeting me for lunch and I'm left sitting alone? Is it worth me getting angry if a friend breaks my phone and doesn't pay for it? Should I really live in bitterness because I'm jealous of my friend who may have better things or a "better" life than me?
 

Should I be spiteful at someone because I feel insecure and even if they do everything better than me, is it worth it for me to be angry?

Do I really want to sever a friendship, create division, and end the memories I have with people because of some mistakes they've made? Because of their faults? Or maybe even because of my selfish feelings?

Candidly, most things I get frustrated, angry, or annoyed at are just stupid. And frankly? That is also true for you too.

But I know that there are some things that legitimately do make us angry, bitter and even lead to unforgiveness. Things like broken trust.

Trust broken is very hard on the heart - especially when the one who broke it either has no desire to repair it or does not care. Your heart is overwhelmed by the hurt and thousands of questions race through your mind unanswered.

Trust broken can literally take the proverbial "wind out of you" leaving you is disbelief. You try to process the pain and survey the emotional damage, but you find yourself drowning in your emotions and fighting to just gasp a bit of air to survive. You're overwhelmed and anger rushes in like a surge and your thoughts are consumed with disgust, fury, even hate towards the one who broke your trust.

And to be completely honest this is where my heart is today. This season has been marked by a new phenomena in my life. For the first time since I can remember, I have not been able to just "forgive and forget".

When one is wounded deeply, reciting "forgive and forget" religiously like the Rosary will neither bring forgiveness nor heal your heart. I can't heal my heart. Only Jesus can. 

But how do you forgive then? How do you move on?

I pray that the Lord keeps my heart tender first and foremost towards Him. For without a tender heart before the Lord, I am not a willing vessel to be changed, molded and shaped by Him. I am not able to let the Lord bring forth forgiveness and deposit love if I am not submitted to Him.

I pray, I worship, I journal, I talk, I seek counsel. I need Jesus. For without Him I will try and deal with this on my own. And to do so would be taking the first steps down a road that will lead me to bitterness and unforgiveness. Only Christ can restore my heart.

Secondly, I pray that He would keep my heart tender towards those who have hurt me. True forgiveness is not just saying "I forgive you" and moving on like nothing happened. Forgiveness is a heart change from anger, frustration, and hurt to a heart of love and kindness.

"Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen." 1 John 4:20

So I pray for a tender heart that out of it forgiveness may flow. 

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one." - Henry Ward Beecher 

"Forgiveness is the final form of love." - Reinhold Niebuhr

Value And Worth

You know what I love? When people tell me "Just find your worth in Jesus".

[NOTE: That was total sarcasm coated with zesty cynicism.]

It is so easy to find one's worth, purpose, even energy and excitement in things other than Jesus. Whether it be the amount of money one is making, the car one drives, the house one owns, or the romantic relationship one has.

I think that for some Christians, making lots of money, having a great boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, or driving a nice car does not necessarily define who they are, but rather, it adds value to their sense of worth, purpose, and can even fuel their joy.

It is easy to find one's worth esteemed by a girlfriend/boyfriend saying things like "I am so blessed that the Lord brought you into my life" or "I'm thankful I get to love you everyday for the rest of my life" or "How did I get so lucky to have you as my own?" etc.

Who wouldn't be stirred up by such things? And in and of themselves, there is nothing inherently wrong with such sayings. But it is easy to slowly let this add value to who you think you are.

It is easy to find one's purpose being fulfilled by the yearly salary of six or seven digit figures. Seeing the amount one makes or perhaps the freedom and flexibility wealth offers, it feels good. And it is easy to slowly let this also add value to who you think you are.

A nice house is just that. A nice house. But a nice house is so much more. It is a sense of security. A place to call "home". And the nicer it is, the better one can feel. After all, which of us hasn't gone to someone's home only to return to ours and think "I'm so glad I don't live there". We're proud of our "nice" homes and who doesn't want a gorgeous home? And so the home too, can slowly add value to who you think you are.

None of these things are wrong. I hope to someday have a girlfriend I can love passionately and pursue with all my heart. I hope someday to make lots of money. And I hope someday to have a beautiful house to call my home.

But the moment I let those things add value to who I think I am I become vulnerable - that without them, I am "lost" or "nothing".

Not only that, but I have surreptitiously placed my trust and love in things/people and not the Lord. And now, should I lose my big beautiful house, or get fired from my six figure job, or should my girlfriend break up with me, I become hopeless. Not because any one of those things "defined" me, but rather, because I placed some sense of my worth in them.

[NOTE: I understand that with any loss, there is a certain amount of sadness/grief that accompanies it. I'm not saying  should you lose your house/job/relationship, that as a "true Christian" you should be dancing down the streets singing happy hymns.]

Having a nice home, going to a good university, having a fantastic job, a great girlfriend or awesome boyfriend, having an incredible spouse, none of these are wrong. BUT if I don't place Jesus over them, then they become my sense of value and worth. That without them, my life and purpose is hopeless.

 

Only Jesus can give me worth and value. Anything else is temporary and will fail. And if Jesus is not first, if He does not hold my whole heart, He will relentlessly pursue me and remove all other forms of worth and value that I have added to my life until it is only Him.

Jesus didn't die on the cross to share my love and value with a house, a relationship, or money. He died on the cross to have my complete love and to be my total sense of value.

The challenge is not to run away from wealth, a nice house, a loving girlfriend/boyfriend, fancy car or an IV league school. The challenge is to keep Jesus primary in the midst of all those things. To not become carried away and place my value in the high paying job, the big house, or the affirmation and love of a romantic relationship.

It's not easy. I have failed. Many times. 

 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

Hope Deferred vs. Faith

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12 

In my life I have had hope deferred over, and over, and over again. In some instances, my hope has been deferred for not one, but two, even three years.

[NOTE: For some of you three years may be a drop in the bucket. I recognize that some have had hope deferred for many years. So I'm not claiming "longest hope deferred" title here.]

Proverbs says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. What does sick mean?

For me, I think that means cynicism, frustration, and hopelessness. When there is a dream (hope) of something and it is never realized, your soul becomes weary holding out hope that someday it might happen."Might happen" does not offer much hope. And often, I think in the end, giving up is just easier. Why wait? It's not like anything is going to change anyways.

And for some, they can testify to this day of hope being deferred and nothing changing.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" - Hebrews 11:1

So what is the difference between faith (things hoped for) and hope? If hope deferred makes the heart grow sick, can faith deferred make the heart grow sick too?

In my life there have been instances where I was convinced God was speaking and leading. Areas where I not only had faith, but lived every day believing that He was going to come through and a testimony would arise. But then doors closed. Hearts changed. Things ended. And my faith, the substance of things hoped for? Well let's just say my heart grew sick.

And much like physical sickness, when your body doesn't have time to fully recover before getting sick again, you're just ill for a longer period.

So it is with hope deferred.

The heart can end up living months, even years, sick. And so hopelessness sets in. Little by little, even your desire to have hope is stripped away. Your dreams are gone as well as all desire to dream. The faith that fueled your desire to hope is extinct and all you are left with is yourself and your circumstances. And so you either become bitter, angry, cynical, and unforgiving, or you just  make do in your life of hopelessness. After all, nothing is going to change. This is your life now and you accept it and may even label it "a new season".

And so begins the cyclical cycle of hopelessness.

You say nothing is going to change because you're in a hopeless state of hopelessness that produces only  hopelessness for your hopeless state.

And the curse of hopelessness?

Even though intellectually you may know that God could come through in your hopelessness and make the impossible possible, you're too hopeless to actually believe it or see it - even though you know it. And now faith, the very thing that brings you into your relationship with Jesus, is nullified from your life.

"O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?"
- Romans 7:24

Jesus, the Son of God. He is the One who can deliver you from hopelessness.

He is the only way out. He is the only way to have hope again. He is the only way to dream again. He is the only One who can restore your faith. He is the only One who can give you joy.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." - Psalm 34:18-20

So tonight, even in the midst of hope deferred and my heart being sick, I look to the Lord who is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit. Because only He will restore to me the joy of my salvation. 

Love The Feeling Hurts

A friend recently posted 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 on Facebook and much like Canon in D, this passage of scripture is sure to bring a nauseating feeling for any frequent wedding goer in the middle of a ceremony. 

If you're not familiar with the passage here it is:

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

This is actually an incredible section of scripture. And I have discovered that in my life there exists two types of love. There is "love the feeling" and "love the action". Although both contain the word "love" they couldn't be further juxtaposed.

Love the feeling will not suffer long. Love the feeling may be kind for a season, but will not remain kind. Love the feeling does not bear all things or believe all things. And love the feeling most definitely does not hope or endure all things.

And in today's culture, whether secular or Christian, the word "love" is often used to express a sentiment, a feeling towards another. Whether it be from husband to wife, girl-friend to boy-friend, friend to friend, or grandpa to grand-daughter, it is a word reserved only for the most special people because really when one says "I love you" what they're saying is "My love is a 1 Corinthians 13 love".

Yet all too often the word "love", although at times may resemble a shadow of 1 Corinthians 13, is really just a feeling. And the problem with feelings is that they are subject to change and are not rooted in anything but emotion.

[NOTE: Now for you literalists out there, I understand that accompanied with love are feelings. I know that love is not a robotic response. Just keep reading and get off your literalist soapbox for a second.]

True love couldn't be further from just an emotion though.

"For God so loved the word that gave His only begotten Son..."
- John 3:16

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends."
- John 15:13

True love is an action that demands a result. God couldn't just sit in heaven and spend every day saying "I love humanity." If He truly loved humanity, an action was required. Because true love takes an emotional response and makes it a literal example.

As a Christian, I think I'm more susceptible perhaps than others to almost irreverently throwing around the word "love" at people. For me, when someone tells me that they love me, I don't think of their love as being conditional or momentary. And I most definitely don't think of it as selfish. And I would hope that anyone I say "I love you" to would think the same. Because that is what biblical love is. 

But where offense, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and even cynicism can creep in is from when someone tells you they love you and so in return you trust and love them, invest your life in them, count on them, and then one day they walk away from you or let you down and don't care. 

"How could you?" you might say.

"I don't understand." perhaps you think.

What happened? It was love the feeling and not love the action. It was not a 1 Corinthians 13 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things love. It was merely an emotional response used to convey the magnitude and commitment of a 1 Corinthians 13 love, but was just a shadow of the real thing. 

And this is where so many relationships, friendships, churches, and families have broken apart. And it is also where for many, the road began towards bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, and cynicism.  

"Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." - Proverbs 18:21

The words "I love you" can bring great life to those around you but when not lived out like 1 Corinthains 13, they can also bring death to your relationships with people. 

"Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him." - Proverbs 29:20

May I be someone who is careful to whom I say "I love you" to and to those I have already said it to, ask the Lord to help me to daily live out a 1 Corinthians 13 love.

Dreaming

No child thinks "When I grow up I will probably be a cynic." Rather, a child looks to their future and dreams of the possibilities of what they can/will be when they grow up.

"I want to be a firefighter" says an enthusiastic little boy.

"I want to be doctor" says a precocious little girl.

I was a dreamer. Not only as a child, but as a youth and even through my college years. I dreamt of all kinds of things. From the type of job I'd have, to the music I wanted to compose, to the type of car I'd drive and even to the girl I'd fall in love with.

I loved dreaming. In dream world there are no limits. Anything is possible. And you better believe I dreamed like anything was possible.

There were just too many impossibilities in my life and dreaming allowed for a future that reality didn't. 

I of course understood that there was a reality around me and that at some point, I couldn't just live in dream world forever. But for certain dreams, I began making plans and investing my life in a way to make them possible. And some of my dreams seemed as though they could be possible.

But the problem with dreams are that no matter how wonderful they are, at some point you will wake up and the dream will be over.

I've woken up from a lot of dreams in the last two years. Two weeks ago I awoke from another. And I guess cynicism crept in when dream after dream ended and I would wake left with only the vague memories of something wonderful. And now I find my desire to even want to dream fading.

As a recovering cynic, my initial response to dreaming is "Why bother. It doesn't matter. I'll only be left with nothing."

That's not the right response. I'm not quite ready to dive back into dream land, but at least I am able to recognize the wrong response. Giving up is never the right response.

I am thankful that the Lord sees my broken heart, my many failed dreams, and still loves me even though I'm a recovering cynic. And He is still invested in my life and has plans (dreams) for me even if I've stopped dreaming for myself.

So tonight I am going to bring before Him my weary and completely overwhelmed soul so that the peace that transcends my understanding will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6). Both of which are in need of much guarding.