The Fruit Of My Likes/Favorites

"For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they gather grapes from a bramble bush. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."
- Luke 6:43-45 (NJKV)

For the past few months I have been thinking long and hard about this idea - bearing fruit. What's interesting is that Jesus very clearly identifies that we have the ability to bear either good fruit or bad fruit. But more than just bearing fruit, I've been pondering the question "How is the fruit in my life demonstrated?"

What does this proverbial "fruit" that Christ talks about look like?

Obviously the answer would be quite cumbersome should we attempt to exhaustively answer it. So I want to look at one specific platform that said fruit is demonstrated in my life – and perhaps that of many others.

Social media.

I have come to realize that the things I post, tweet, and instagram often reveal what I am thinking, feeling, or believe in. Likewise, the things I retweet, repost, or link to also reveal what I am thinking, feeling, or believe in.

But those are obvious examples.

What's not so obvious (or perhaps as noticeable) is the small click of a like/favorite. When I like/favorite something, it is a way of me showing affirmation and support of said thing. It is an avenue to express my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. The very term "like" demonstrates affirmative support. Therefore, even the simplest click of a like/favorite exposes my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

"What's the big deal?" you might ask. "Who cares what you like/favorite?"

This is where it becomes a big deal: When what I like/favorite stands in opposition to Christ and His teachings.

And it's easy for me to disregard my likes/favorites as trivial and insignificant. But those things which I like/favorite divulge what's in my heart and the fruit that's in my life. Is my fruit good fruit? Does it align with Christ? Is it submitted to Scripture? Or is it fruit born from a heart that stands in opposition to Christ and His teachings? A heart that justifies my likes/favorites.

The reality is that people are looking, watching, and observing the things I like/favorite – those things which I support. Today my likes/favorites become notifications that instantly publicize my "fruit" to my friends/followers. And in their notifications, what fruit will they observe in my life? What things will they see me affirm? What things will they see me support?

"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,  making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is." - Ephesians 5:15-17 (NIV)

The Shadow Of Emotion

When it comes to emotions I don't consider myself an expect on the topic. However, one thing I do recognize is that emotions are powerful and that for better or worse – we have them.

I hate talking about emotions actually.

It seems like such a (pardon my sexist use of the term) "girly" thing to do. I struggle enough with the frustration of even having to have emotions to begin with, let alone sitting around talking about them... or worse... blogging about them.

But in a season where I am working diligently to surrender a very shattered heart to the Lord, I find myself living under a shadow of unspoken emotion.

I am grateful for the small signs of life and joy returning and I am thankful that once again I have been able to laugh and even be excited. Yet like on a summer day, even though it may be warm there is a noticeable difference between shade and sun. And although you can be warm even in the shade, when you're in the sun there is nothing but hot, often overwhelming warmth.

I am perhaps more aware than ever before that even if not talked about, even if not meditated on, even if not given into, there can be a shadow cast from months (or years) of turmoil, depression, anger, frustration, or whatever. And even as health and stability returns to my life there is still a shadow that lingers from such feelings.

It's frustrating. I wish I could just *zap* be fine, normal, not living under a shadow. But health, forgiveness, love, kindness, compassion, mercy, grace, they are a process.

It's an interesting thing to observe in my life. Because the idea of a lingering shadow of emotion would have seemed wildly insane and most definitely stupid to me a year ago. I probably would have laughed, at least inwardly, had you confessed such a thing to me.

But if nothing else, this entire nightmare of the last several months has wrought in me compassion and grace that I don't think I could have learned any other way. And it has/is an incredible struggle in the lesson of forgiveness - one I desperately need[ed] to learn.

So perhaps a year ago I would have laughed at your story of a lingering shadow of emotion, but today I would listen with grace and compassion.

And this I believe is a small testimony.

Love Without Hypocrisy

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.
- Romans 12:9

Nearly a month ago I found myself tripping over this verse. I wanted to skip over the first half and just focus in on the second part - abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. I could do that. I could abhor evil. I could cling to good.

But as much as I tried to push the first half of the verse from my thoughts, it suddenly became a game of "if you think of the game you lose the game". The harder I tried to forget the first half and just move on in my reading, the more that it invaded my thoughts. Needless to say, I was losing "the game".

Let love be without hypocrisy. 

Reading those words were uncomfortable, annoying, frustrating actually. Because I knew that my love was not without hypocrisy.

For as much as I love people around me, in my heart I knew (even though I tried to pretend it wasn't so) that there were names, faces, real people whom I did not love.

Let love be without hypocrisy.

Sometimes I think I am doing so well at loving people. Then a name is said, or a picture posted, and like the change from summer to winter, my heart frosts over and I become cold.

If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?  - John 4:20

I knew what the implications of Romans 12:9 were - I was a hypocrite. I said I loved Jesus. I said I loved people. Yet there were those whom I did not love or even care to love.

And like the wrestling of toddlers over a prized toy, I wrestled with my own heart. Am I really a hypocrite? It just didn't seem possible. And could not loving even just one person be enough to make me a hypocrite?

I knew the answer was yes. But somehow not admitting it gave me a sense of stability. Perhaps if I ignored it long enough maybe it wouldn't be true.

See the reality of Romans 12:9 and John 4:20 is, if I don't love like Christ would love, if there is someone in my life where there is anger, malice, or hatred towards them, I am a walking hypocrite. I am someone who rations out my love to those I "deem worthy" and cast judgement on who and how I will love. 

I cannot stand before the Lord today or on the day of judgement in confidence. I cannot raise my hands in worship. I cannot even pray with faith because I have failed the very thing Christ commanded me: to love my neighbor as myself.

But how do you love someone you don't want to love?

Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.  - Ephesians 5:1-2

I have to remember that I am far, I mean far from perfect. I will probably never know the number of times friends and family have loved me when I was [am] quite unlovable. And then there is God. Not only does He constantly love me when I am unlovable, but He sent His son Jesus to die for me, even when I was His enemy. It didn't matter. God reconciled me to Him even when I wanted nothing to do with Him. (Romans 8:8-10)

So I did what I so very much did not want to do; I prayed blessings on those whom my heart did not love. Everything I could want prayed for myself, I prayed for them. I prayed as though they were my best friend. I prayed as if they were right there in the room with me. I prayed like I loved them.

And this prayer of love for them, this was my sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.

Day 22

Today marked the beginning of week 4 or day 22 of my 90-day gym/bible commitment.

These past 3 weeks have been good for me. I have been faithfully going to bed by 10pm, waking at 6am, and have consistently been in the Word.

I began my routine at the gym with three days a week. I am proud to say I have now added a fourth and in the coming weeks, I look forward to adding a fifth.

Perhaps something you didn't know about me: I thrive when there is a vision.

When there is a plan, a strategy, a goal, I so enjoy "conquering" it. I think about it. I plan. I get excited. I think about the most effective and efficient way to complete whatever the vision is.

Sure, is getting up at 6am four days a week difficult? Yes.

Is working out at the gym painful? The first week you have no idea. I couldn't even straighten my arms for a solid 5 days after my first trip to the gym.

Does reading the bible take discipline? Yes.

Is eating 3-6 times a day hard? Believe it or not, for me, it is infuriatingly difficult.

But the fruit from even this short period of faithfulness has been health to me both spiritually and physically.

I find myself smiling easier and laughing more. I have found myself making jokes again and I have begun to slowly seek people out in social environments. I am even working on being out-going to new people — something I never thought would be "work" for me. 

I have seen my negativity and anger diminish daily as I pray that the Lord would help me to love, be gracious, merciful, kind, compassionate, forgiving — everything I am not. My sarcasm has quieted and my cynical view of everyone and everything has slowly been changing. I have even found fresh excitement in my work both at church and with Unparallel Media (the Steinway project) — which I will keep you updated on via Facebook and Instagram.

Whether there is a noticeably outward difference now, I hope that over the next 69 days, the joy of my salvation will return to me and I will once again be one who encourages, strengthens, and blesses those around me with my words and actions. And hopefully there will even be some type of physical difference.

The last 4+ months have been very difficult and I recognize that I am not completely free yet from the weight of those 4+ months. But to be excited (which seems odd that that would be such a big deal... especially to me) but to be excited, it's energizing to have it restored to my life.

I am thankful to the Lord that He has been faithful to meet me for the past 22 mornings I have sought Him. They're simple mornings. Simple prayers. Yet He still meets me. I love how the NET puts Jeremiah 29:13:

"When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul"

I look forward to change in my life over the next 68 days.

Take Away From Awake 2014

What does loving the Lord look like? Your all. Everything. 
- Eric Peoples

Can I be honest with you?

For the past few years I have not given my all or my everything to the Lord. Distractions, disappointments, letdowns, failed dreams, frustrations, circumstances, my failures, I let these distract me and deter me from loving the Lord fully. And little by little I just stopped giving my all. 

In his first session on Saturday, Eric said:

"You may feel like you're living more of a nightmare than a dream. You're not alone. We can look through the Bible and see people who have been there, gotten burned, been disappointed and letdown. That's called process."

I'm really good at responding to the process of "all is well and going great". But when the very thing(s) I am holding tightly to and hoping never to lose are lost, I have difficulty walking through this process. Now compound that with at (what seemed) every turn - rejection. Doors were closed, people walked away, and each attempt to move on was hindered by yet a new problem.

"Just because the process doesn't look like it should, don't lean on your own understanding. Surrender yourself to God and trust Him."

Trust.

Everything seemed to unravel so quickly - like sand sifting through one's hands. And it was all I could do to just catch my breath and stay afloat. I tried to trust, but as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks months, hope gave way to cynical hopelessness.

And hopelessness, like a cancer, robbed my very soul of joy, love, desire, and care. And not only for life and people, but for the Lord as well.

"We don't see change or growth in our spirituality because we lack endurance."

Endurance.

I wanted to endure, but honestly, I just didn't have the drive to even attempt it.

"You may be hopeless by life circumstances, but you are not helpless because of Jesus." 

Perhaps these were the most impacting and piercing words I heard all weekend. I was hopeless from life's circumstances. And until that moment, I had bought into the idea that hopelessness meant I was helpless. The kindergarten answer to every Sunday School question - Jesus - had evaded my very reasoning. How could I have forgotten such a simple truth?

Yes. I was, am, hopeless.

But I am not helpless. I have Jesus. And no matter how hopeless I get, there will never be a moment where I will become helpless because I have the promise from Jesus Himself, that He will never forsake me or leave me.

Hopeless? Yes.

Helpless? No.

So each day I will choose to awaken and say, as Eric Peoples said in his Sunday morning message:

"Holy Spirit, fill my life right now and teach me how to love Your presence."

90 Days

I'm not good at new year's resolutions. I don't pretend to be. And because of my poor performance over the years with resolutions, I decided this year to not have any.

But what I have decided to do is a 90 commitment.

Beginning this past Monday, I committed to 90 days of reading my bible every day, and a 90 day period of going to gym.

[NOTE: I'm not going to the gym for 90 consecutive days, but rather, for a length of 90 days, going 3-5 times a week.]

Perhaps it's my personality, or maybe it's just me, but indefinitely signing up to go to the gym is overwhelming and I always give up within a couple weeks. Having a goal (90 days) allows me to pursue and concur it without the daunting feeling of it never ending. And at the end of 90 days, hopefully I don't just give up going to the gym all together. Hopefully a new goal will be set.

My 90 day commitment - both to the gym and to the Word - is not solely for appearance of strength and spirituality. I desperately need to be faithful in reading my bible.

Self-control.

Perseverance.

In my life, self-control and perseverance have always evaded my grasp. For some, you have seen first hand my absence of self-control and lack of perseverance.

I often find myself hanging my head in shame at what I feel should be masted by now; self-control and perseverance.

Two areas where I struggle greatly with these are with daily bible reading and the gym.

And this year, I didn't want yet another year to pass by where these particular fruits of the spirit didn't blossom in my life. So in a desperate attempt to begin a foundation of self-control and perseverance I committed myself to going to the gym and reading my bible for 90 days.

I know I need to be reading my bible, often, daily. I've preached messages about the importance of daily bible reading. I've had lengthy conversations about it. I know the reasons why I need to read my bible. I know my soul is in great need of the Word. Yet my bible has remained, unopened, upon my dresser. A constnat reminder with every layer of dust that my soul too, is in need of a spiritual dusting off.

So this means waking at 6 in the morning, reading my bible, going out in -25 degree weather, driving to Potsdam, and working out from 6:45-7:45. It means being uncomfortable and tired. It means being incredibly sore - and I mean incredibly. It means forcing myself to eat more than just the standard one or two meals a day that have become habit.

And each morning while I drive, freezing cold, to the gym I pray. They're not elaborate prayers. They're simple, often through chattering teeth.  I pray "Lord, help me to have self-control and endurance. Do a work in my mind and heart so I give you complete control over me."

Monday, January 20 I began and committed till April 20. That is my goal and I plan on concurring it fully.

I Am The Greatest Obstacle

“I am my own greatest obstacle in loving God."

It was July 18, 2010 and I was listening to Pastor Doug's Sunday morning message at SaRang church in Korea - which was the church I was attending while living there for three months.

Pastor Doug was doing a series on Jonah. It was undoubtedly the best series I had ever heard preached on Jonah and I was loving it. Pastor Doug was straight forward. He didn't candy-coat the message. Sin, repentance, forgiveness, grace, redemption - the Gospel was preached. 

“I am my own greatest obstacle in loving God."

It's been almost four years since I heard that message, yet I can't stop thinking about that statement.

~~~

For the years while in college, I prided myself on my passion and pursuit of the Lord. I was proud of the discipline I had exercised in prayer, worship, and the reading of the bible. I worked hard to serve people, share the Gospel, be out-going, and love everyone generously.

I was proud of the man I was becoming and the reputation I was building.

But when I graduated, that all stopped. With a single walk down the aisle and the reception of a diploma, just like that, the entire world where I had served and worked tireless to become disciplined in had disappeared. 

I was left standing, feeling lost. Because I was neither an "adult" (i.e. career, family, spouse, etc.) nor was I a college student. 

And rapidly the discipline I had exercised eroded away. My passion melted like snow in the spring and my love and out-going personality towards all shriveled in the frost of my frustration.

I was not proud of who I was or where I was going. I suddenly felt catapulted back to high-school as if I was now just a child.

Like metamorphosis, I could see the change occurring, but didn't know how to stop it.

And along the way, people, friends, those close to me began to feel the cold chill of my heart. Some bore the burden of my frosted words and actions more than others. And my reputation began to change... and so did the way people related to me. 

And within a year, I was a shadow of the young man who had walked up to receive his diploma. 

 ~~~

 
“I am my own greatest obstacle in loving God." 

It was not graduating that caused the deviation of my soul. It was not people or my church that directed my heart astray. It was not circumstances or lack of dreams fulfilled or desires had that set me on a journey of wandering. 

I was the obstacle that got in the way of loving God.

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."  - Galatians 2:20

Why did Paul write that he had been crucified? Because he understood that he himself was the greatest obstacle in loving God and that he needed to "decrease so that He could increase". 

See, being crucified with Christ is not just a one-time deal at the moment of salvation. It is a daily thing. 

The moment I stop being crucified with Christ, I begin to live in my own strength and walk out the desires of my heart. It is not until I have been crucified with Christ that my heart is no longer "I who live, but Christ who lives in me". 

I must, at every turn, at every let down, at every desire, at every dream, at every heart-break, at every junction be crucified with Christ so that the life I now live would be lived "by faith in the Son of God" and not by any other whim, feeling, desire, or strength.

I am still very much my own greatest obstacle in loving God. But today I am going to crucify myself with Christ so that it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.