When it comes to emotions I don't consider myself an expect on the topic. However, one thing I do recognize is that emotions are powerful and that for better or worse – we have them.
I hate talking about emotions actually.
It seems like such a (pardon my sexist use of the term) "girly" thing to do. I struggle enough with the frustration of even having to have emotions to begin with, let alone sitting around talking about them... or worse... blogging about them.
But in a season where I am working diligently to surrender a very shattered heart to the Lord, I find myself living under a shadow of unspoken emotion.
I am grateful for the small signs of life and joy returning and I am thankful that once again I have been able to laugh and even be excited. Yet like on a summer day, even though it may be warm there is a noticeable difference between shade and sun. And although you can be warm even in the shade, when you're in the sun there is nothing but hot, often overwhelming warmth.
I am perhaps more aware than ever before that even if not talked about, even if not meditated on, even if not given into, there can be a shadow cast from months (or years) of turmoil, depression, anger, frustration, or whatever. And even as health and stability returns to my life there is still a shadow that lingers from such feelings.
It's frustrating. I wish I could just *zap* be fine, normal, not living under a shadow. But health, forgiveness, love, kindness, compassion, mercy, grace, they are a process.
It's an interesting thing to observe in my life. Because the idea of a lingering shadow of emotion would have seemed wildly insane and most definitely stupid to me a year ago. I probably would have laughed, at least inwardly, had you confessed such a thing to me.
But if nothing else, this entire nightmare of the last several months has wrought in me compassion and grace that I don't think I could have learned any other way. And it has/is an incredible struggle in the lesson of forgiveness - one I desperately need[ed] to learn.
So perhaps a year ago I would have laughed at your story of a lingering shadow of emotion, but today I would listen with grace and compassion.
And this I believe is a small testimony.
I hate talking about emotions actually.
It seems like such a (pardon my sexist use of the term) "girly" thing to do. I struggle enough with the frustration of even having to have emotions to begin with, let alone sitting around talking about them... or worse... blogging about them.
But in a season where I am working diligently to surrender a very shattered heart to the Lord, I find myself living under a shadow of unspoken emotion.
I am grateful for the small signs of life and joy returning and I am thankful that once again I have been able to laugh and even be excited. Yet like on a summer day, even though it may be warm there is a noticeable difference between shade and sun. And although you can be warm even in the shade, when you're in the sun there is nothing but hot, often overwhelming warmth.
I am perhaps more aware than ever before that even if not talked about, even if not meditated on, even if not given into, there can be a shadow cast from months (or years) of turmoil, depression, anger, frustration, or whatever. And even as health and stability returns to my life there is still a shadow that lingers from such feelings.
It's frustrating. I wish I could just *zap* be fine, normal, not living under a shadow. But health, forgiveness, love, kindness, compassion, mercy, grace, they are a process.
It's an interesting thing to observe in my life. Because the idea of a lingering shadow of emotion would have seemed wildly insane and most definitely stupid to me a year ago. I probably would have laughed, at least inwardly, had you confessed such a thing to me.
But if nothing else, this entire nightmare of the last several months has wrought in me compassion and grace that I don't think I could have learned any other way. And it has/is an incredible struggle in the lesson of forgiveness - one I desperately need[ed] to learn.
So perhaps a year ago I would have laughed at your story of a lingering shadow of emotion, but today I would listen with grace and compassion.
And this I believe is a small testimony.
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