Thanksgiving Eve

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving.

Giving thanks.

This season I have found myself seldomly giving thanks. It's not that I'm ungrateful, nor am I unappreciative of the blessings I've received both from the Lord and people around me. But the darkness that shrouds my soul has left me with neither vigor for life nor words of thanks. 

The days pass... one after another. Often I lose track of them. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, Christmas a month away, and the new year creeps quickly around the corner. 

Recently my pastor said to me "You don't handle bitternss well. Some people can handle it, but for you, it's cancerous to your soul." 

Bitterness.  

It just doesn't make sense. It really doesn't. That's not who I am. That has never been me. It's an ugliness that is as foriegn a stranger to me as murder. Yet like the ficticious Dr. Jeykll, I am meeting the "Mr. Hyde" of my life. And the darkness of bitterness, disappointment, let down, hate, disgust, loss... it's something I am horrified by. 

Yet the desire to even break from the grasp of Mr. Hyde is... is not even there. I just don't even care. Why care? Caring is the very thing that caused... well... it doesn't matter. 

But I have been around long enough to know that even small steps towards "normalcy" is better than no steps at all. So on the eve of this snowy Thanksgiving I am going to force my soul to give thanks. 

This season is humbling for me. I have never before been so "broken", vulnerable, in front of friends and family. Never before have I been so cast down that everyone, including some children, have noticed. And for me, I'm just not the guy who gets "down" or "depressed". 

I used to be an encourager. I used to rejuvenate people. I used to bring joy to people. I used to... well I used to a lot of things. But now, I am the one who is receiving from the outpouring of love, encouragement and blessings from others. 

So today, I want to give thanks for the many people who have taken the time to write me and pray for me. I have received a half dozen messages over the last month from friends who have written to encourage me and love on me. 

Here is a recent encouraging excerpt from a friend: 

"Just know when you think you can't stand anymore or haven't enough faith, just know that's OK bc there are those of us believing for you and carrying you in prayer."

I am thankful for all you who care, who write, who pray, and who love me. Please don't let the darkness of my soul nor my cynicism detract from my sincere thanks for all you have each done to come alongside me and walk with me through a season of heaviness I never thought I would walk through. I am grateful. 

I continue to look to the Lord to lead me through this valley. May He be glorified in some way through my brokenness.

Where Is My Trust?

The problem with being honest with people is that to some extent you have to trust them. Trust them with your thoughts, feelings, even the very details of your life. 

In years past, I never thought twice about trusting someone. I never had reason to doubt that someone I loved and was close with couldn't or wouldn't be trustworthy. 

However this was naive thinking. I have learned that now. 

I recognize a dilemma in my life. I tend not to trust people. Even those who have been there for years and have shown their faithfulness to me - whether through word or action - I just don't fully trust anymore.

Perhaps it's my cynicism. Or perhaps it was the fact that someone who once had shared my trust for years and had my complete confidence decided they wanted to throw it all away - because being a committed and faithful friend was just too hard "apparently". 

But whatever. 

I should have seen it coming. I should have known better and it was a very good learning lesson. One I will always remember. 

And isn't that how life lessons are learned? Through mistakes? 

I am learning the lesson of being careful who you trust because not everyone is trustworthy. It was a mistake. A big mistake. 

But in a season where I find my thoughts quickly moving towards anger and hate, I am reminded that although I may not have done the same to another, I am no better. 

It's easy to puff oneself up and think "I would never do that" and begin comparing yourself to others around you. I'm broken. I'm sinful. I'm sure I've hurt people and probably don't even know the extent I have hurt some because they carried in silence the pain and walked forgiveness in the quietness of their own heart. 

I can look at those who have hurt me, see them continuing in the happiness and enjoyment of their lives - having moved forward without second thought or concern for the things I had deeply valued - and think in disgust "I would never be that shallow or mean to people in my life". 

I may not act out in the same manner the hurt or disappoinments inflicted on me, but trust me, I have let the Lord down more times than I can count. I have not been perfectly faithful to Him. I can look at my life and see specific points where when something of greater interest took hold of my love and desire, my commitment floundered and I ran with excitement towards people and things that looked to be far greater and more enjoyable than my relationship with Christ. 

I can try and pride myself on my "commitment" to those around me, but I cannot pride myself on my commitment to the Lord - the most important relationship in my life. Because I have failed Him. Over and over. 

Yet His faithfulness to me remains steadfast and unwavering. 

I. Do. Not. Have. A. Box. For. This.

I don't think I could be, or am, that faithful to even myself. Yet the Lord is. 

And so, in the middle of a season where I am learning to walk through mistakes, both by others and myself, I am working hard to keep my focus the Lord and not those who have wavered and left. Jesus needs to be my all. Not friendships. Not people.

And I guess it took someone giving up a friendship and wanting nothing to do with me to teach me afresh the importance of Christ being my everything. People will leave me. People will let me down. But is my hope in Christ or in the faithfulness of people?

May it be only in Christ.  

 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."       Romans 15:13

Letting The Dream Go

“Letting go of anything you love is hard…Knowing how and when to move on from one dream to another isn’t easy, but I knew it was time to start living a different dream. Letting go of a dream can be extremely hard, yes, but it’s also liberating.”
– Bart Knaggs (Epiphany, p. 224)

Growing up I was taught to be committed. To be committed to my word. To be committed to my actions. To be reliable. To not just say one thing and do another.

It was instilled in me at an early age from my parents, my church, from an older generation, that I was to be faithful. And through the years of growing up, there were many a hard lesson where I learned the importance of being committed no matter the difficulty.

I have applied this to not just the relationships in my life, but to many areas of my life. Whether it be music, work, teaching, meeting someone, brainstorming ideas, I try and be committed and faithful and never to just give up.

But this season I have to learn how to give up.

Honestly? It's not something I do well. I blame this mostly on my upbringing because I was taught never to just give up. So when I commit, well, I do so for the long haul - for better or worse.

But not every area I commit to demands that intense a commitment. Being faithful is good. Jesus himself talked about us being faithful. But there will come days in our lives where certain things will just not require us to commit anymore.

It can be anything from a class that has ended, to a production that is over, to a relationship that has broken off. If my Music Theory class has ended for the semester, there is no call for me continuing to be faithful in attending and studying for it. This is obvious. But not all cases are so lucid.

And this semester, I am learning day by day, slowly how to stop myself from being faithful and committed to a dream that has demanded it end. For the past couple months I feel like the kid who is still going to Music Theory class and doing his homework even though the class is done.

"The class is over Josh. You can stop showing up. Your faithfulness is no longer needed. You don't need to be committed. There is nothing to be committed to. Go home." is what a teacher would say.

So this fall, this winter, and probably many a season to come, I am going to work each and every day on not being committed and faithful to dreams that are no more. Class has ended. I need to go home. 

Come Lord Jesus

It's been about a week since I've written.

Honestly, I don't know how to express in words the churning of the seas within my soul. I don't want to be dramatic. And Lord knows I hate being emotional. So where does that leave me?

It leaves me wordless and quiet.

The ugliness of my soul these days is even shocking to me. My heart has never traversed such dark and cold land before and it is something I thought I would never experience or ever go through.

But this semester is full of things I never thought would or could happen.

So this season, how ever many months or years it ends up being, I pray that somehow the Lord gets a hold of my heart and draws me near. Because I am already so tired and do not know when joy or happiness will return. And not knowing, not seeing an end, it overwhelms my soul.

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

Come Lord Jesus.

The Winter Of My Heart

“Withstanding the cold develops vigor for the relaxing days of spring and summer. Besides, in this matter as in many others, it is evident that nature abhors a quitter.”        
― Arthur C. Crandall

Today was the first day that finally felt like winter. I don't think it warmed up much above 30 degrees. When I walked outside this morning, I took a deep breath of cold, crisp air and instantly it was like greeting an old friend from long ago. Unlike so many who reside in the North Country, I truly and absolutely love *winter!

[*Winter defined as: "Till January 1" and then I want it to end and become a hater.]

I am always amazed that this place I call home can go from warm, sunny, and bright, to dark, cold, and gray.  How is that possible? How can the very yard I lay soaking in the sun's rays during summer be the same yard I shovel in the cold of night?

As I stood on the porch breathing in the cold air, taking in the sights of the first truly crisp morning, I began thinking about the heart. How the heart can (and often does) go from bright, warm and sunny, to dark, cold and gray.

I began to recall the times not only in my life, but in the lives of those around me where I watched and in some cases, was the recipient of a heart grown dark, cold and gray.

A little while ago I watched a friend of mine in disbelief as their heart turned dark and cold towards me. It was a coldness I never thought could or would be in their life, let alone directed at me. It was much like the deep winter wind that cuts through you as you walk from your home to the car, even amidst the wear of a jacket, scarf, hat and gloves. The bitter cold somehow finds a way in to chill even the core of your body.

It was this same bitter cold that I experienced. Yet not from winter's force, but from once a dear friend.

But unlike the childlike fascination of summer somehow ushering in winter, there was no fascination or childlike wonder. Instead there was a desperate scramble to salvage the relationship and attempt, within all my capabilities to save what I once thought was going to be a life-long friendship.

However, this friendship would not last till even winter.

Winter undoubtedly means spring, and eventually summer will return. And for me, this coming winter is more than just the coldness of the air around me. It's the coldness of my own heart, from loss, from unanswered questions, from life.

I know this season of my life, this "winter" as it may be, will someday end - just as the physical winter season will. And I pray that when "summer" does come to my life, that I am found still being  faithful in Jesus Christ - being committed to Him, to the local church, and submitted to my authority.

I am fully aware that I am not infallible nor perfect, and that I could fall away into despair, anger, darkness, and run away from the very Lord that saved me and from the very church that raised me. Others have. And I am no better nor any more righteous or great than any that have left before me.

The sobriety of this has kept my heart at bay thus far. And may it always. 

"For my eyes are toward You, O God, the Lord; In You I take refuge; do not leave me defenseless." Psalm 141:8

It Was A Mistake

Pastor Keith Tucci once said "You cannot keep appeasing people and giving part of your life to them when they do not have your best interest at heart."

This season I am learning what it means to have given part of my life to people who did not have my best interest at heart. It was a mistake that I have promised myself never to make again.

Of course we all make mistakes. And we all have stories of people hurting us. I'm sure we all have examples of giving part of our lives to people to only have them turn on us and throw it away. My situation isn't unique to life or perhaps even your experiences - but it's unique for me. This is the first time I have ever experienced walking through a season where I had trusted people with my life who I thought had my best interest at heart, but only to find out I was gravely wrong.

I will never be so naive again, nor will I ever let myself be deceived into trusting people with part of my life that I truly don't know. I was stupid at best and it was a mistake I will only make once.

In early July of this year, I began praying intensely for a vision I believed the Lord laid on my heart. I was thoroughly convinced the Lord was speaking. I prayed, I worshiped, I fasted, I pursued in prayer what I thought the Lord was calling me to. But three months into my time of prayer, the very thing I felt the Lord calling me to pray about fell through and I was left sitting with a journal I had filled with pages of my prayers and words of faith I believed the Lord had spoken, and a heart feeling completely betrayed, letdown, abandoned, burned, and hopeless.

Can I be honest?

I don't have a box for this season that I am in.

Every morning when I awake, there is a split second where I think perhaps this season of life has been but a bad dream and I am finally waking up from it. That somehow I will walk down the stairs and maybe my love for fall, for Christmas, the excitement for the holidays, for people, for local church, for the Lord - that maybe it will all return. But it is only a second before the coldness of reality floods in and I am reminded that I am wakening to the fact that indeed, this is my life.

This fall has been marked by letdown - both from people and what at times I feel is also the Lord.

These two events happened within days of each other and I guess my heart just isn't as strong as I thought it was. I consider myself to be pretty rational, fairly thick-skinned, able to handle my own, not really fazed by much. But I learned very quickly just how fragile my heart really is.

This blog is really just the easiest way of letting those of you who read know where my heart is at. Many people are so kind and loving towards me, asking me constantly "How are you doing Josh?" Many wonderful, faithful people who for whatever reasons, are all my biggest fans. People who shouldn't love me so unconditionally, but do. They call, they text, they email me to make sure I am doing ok.They encourage me. They listen to me. They have faith for my life even when I don't. They invite me over to their houses and even trust me, cynicism and all, with their kids.

The Josh this semester is quite different from perhaps the Josh of other semesters. I desperately wish I could just erase all memories of those who have let me down and just be "normal, happy, fun, not cynical Josh". But the Lord has not seen fit to allow such a thing to happen. Instead, I am learning to walk through a season where really, at the end of the day, the only thing I have that I can turn to is the Lord. And if all this... If all the disappointments, all the letdowns, all the frustrations and questions I have... If all this is just to teach me to rely solely on the Lord, may my roots go deep, my faith be built, and my heart strengthened as I learn to walk this out in Him.

I don't want to be a young man, a leader, a visionary, a follow of Christ who finds his strength, his identity, his worth, his fulfillment in people, status, or even the seasons of life he is in. I want to be marked by Christ. And this season, there is a lot of "not Christlike" things rising to the surface of my heart. May I be quick to let Him deal with me so my heart may be pure before the Lord.

 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

God's Will

I once had a friend say to me "If it was God's will (fill in the blank) it would have worked out".

Depending on your theology, this may be true for you.

I can sit on my couch all day though, praying, hoping, placing my trust that the "will" of God for me is to get a job. But if I never get up off the couch, if I never apply for a job, if I never take action, guess what? I won't get a job.

I have learned not to place my faith, confidence, or trust in the "will" of God. I place my total trust in the Lord, but not His "will". My theology may shake your view of God (and me) and or cause you to rethink what you believe.

Let's look at 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is long-suffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance."

"Not willing that any should perish"

The Lord's will is that none should perish. But we all know that many do.

This get's into the idea of the multiple wills of God and whatnot. And I don't want to get into a big theological debate. We can, (preferably not on here), but I'm trying to make a point here rather than begin a debate.

~~~

I believe that for many Christians, they may view things in their lives (decisions, opportunities, success, etc.) based upon whether it happens/is easy and then if it does comes to pass, define it as "God's will". But if it fails or is difficult look at it as "the Lord closing the door" or "not God's will".

2 things to keep in mind here: 

1) Just because it's difficult, hard, impossible, or doesn't come to pass doesn't mean it wasn't what the Lord called you to. There's a thousand variables that play into why something may not come to pass, but the simplest answer? Humanity. People screw things up. I screw things up. This unfortunately plays into whether or not certain things will come to pass.

Take for instance Esther from the bible. Mordecai her uncles comes to her to plead for help and says to her in Esther 4:14:

"For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”"

 "Relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place"

Esther had the chance to help deliver the Jews. Yet had she decided not to, Mordecai knew that help would come from another.

The decision to go before the King was neither easy nor without it's difficulties. She had to face the reality that she could (and would) die without a miracle.

It could have been easy for her to say "It's not God's will for me because the king has not called me in thirty days". But she didn't. Instead, she made a decision, she moved, she was faithful to the call, there was an action, and the Lord honored her for her faith.

I believe that when the Lord calls us, when we feel in our hearts a direction from Him, we are to pursue that until either the Lord calls us to stop (as in the case of Abraham sacrificing Issac) or until the door has been closed so tightly (by the decisions/sins/failures of humanity) there is no hope for it to ever open again.

But to turn away, to stop, to give up in the midst of what we clearly feel is a direction from the Lord, or perhaps not even a clear direction, but we sense it is from the Lord, it would be us not being faithful. And where would the Jewish people have been had Esther given up?

Who knows what the Lord wants to do through you, through the places or people He's calling you to. But if you give up because there is difficulty and you comfort yourself with "if it was God's will it would have happened" you are potentially missing out on an incredible testimony! One that could affect perhaps just one, or maybe a thousand lives.

2) The Lord does close doors but don't assume difficulty means "closed".

In Acts 16, we see Paul making plans to go to Asia to preach the Gospel but in vs. 6 it says: 

"Now when they had gone through Phrygia and the region of Galatia, they were forbidden by the Holy Spirit to preach the word in Asia."

The Lord clearly closed the door to Asia. 

BUT for many Christians, myself included, it's easy to think that opposition and difficulty means the door is closed. Perhaps it is not the door closing, but rather, the enemy doing all he can to prevent you from going through that door.

The devil has been around far longer than you or I. He can spot potential and see the possible effects of a life faithful to pursue whatever the Lord is calling them to and will do all he can to destroy that potential. Do. Not. Be. Deceived.  

"The devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour"        1 Peter 5:8

Now that said, there are amazing testimonies of doors opening for people and God providing. For some, there was no difficulty or any problems and that was how they knew it was God.

But I would say this is often times not the case.

Look at Joseph. Sold into slavery, betrayed by Potiphar's wife, thrown into prison. One thing after another. Were these merely tests? Or was the enemy at work to destroy Joseph. To break his very faith in the Lord so that he would never rise to rule in Egypt and be a provider, a savior to his family - ultimately the lineage of Christ.

How many times could he have thought (and perhaps did) "the doors have all been closed and I am left here to die. This is not God's will." Yet the Lord would use even the actions of his brothers to sell Joseph into slavery to ultimately deliver Israel.

Your testimony of being faithful, of pursuing what the Lord has put on your heart, of not giving up because of difficulty or impossibility, may be the very deliverance for people around you. 

~~~

You may look at your life and see areas where you could have been more steadfast. Where you could have pursued harder. Where you could have not given up.

Don't let discouragement and failure bring you down though. That is what the enemy would like to do. Break your very desire to continue serving the Lord.

There is great news! We serve a God that redeems and restores our lives, decisions, and time.  

"So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..."           Joel 2:25

Let us be stirred to be faithful, even when it is difficult, seems impossible, appears hopeless and we are discouraged. 

Unspoken Promise

Two years ago I wrote this piece titled Unspoken Promise for a friend as my Christmas present that year. 

 

It's strange how a piece of music can remind you of a completely different time. It can conjure up feelings and bring back memories of happier days and wonderful moments. Or it can remind you of tragedy and sorrow. Music has a way of transporting us to a different time and even a different place.

 

Two years have almost passed since I wrote this piece and where I am today, the things that have happened, had you told me two years ago while sitting at a piano writing this piece that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed at you and said "that is just not possible".

 

I have since learned that anything is possible.

 

Music has always been a way for me to express my feelings and has been a constant form of communication for me.

 

I wrote this piece as a form of communication to a friend, who at the time I was unable to talk to. I had hoped that somehow, through music, I could communicate perhaps something I couldn't in words.

 

But unfortunately, neither music nor words helped me. And today, we do not speak and most likely never will again.

 

I didn't want to waste this composition. So instead of it sitting thrown in my friend's box collecting dust or perhaps even the trash, I figured I would share with you a glimpse, a moment in time, where the only thing I could say was this piece.

Closeness: The Cause of Great Hurt

It would seem that the people we love the most are often the ones that hurt us the greatest.

It's never the stranger in line at the grocery store, or the guy who hands you your coffee that inflicts pain. Instead, it's the ones that you deeply love that do. It's the people that have committed to you, that have been there for you, that loved you, they're the ones that hold such power.

And I guess just because you're close with someone, just because you love them, just because you have spent years walking in close relationship doesn't mean it will always be that way. And it certainly does not mean that just because you had a close friendship, that your friendship will guard you against division and hurt.

I used to put my confidence in that if I was close with someone, if something did get between us, our years together, our faithfulness to one another, that would allow us to work things out, to talk it out, to meet and restore anything that may have been lost.

However, I've come to realize that it really doesn't matter how close you become with someone. If they want to hurt you and do their own thing, they will. Years of faithfulness to relationships, the years of talks, laughter, fun, memories, it might mean a lot to you, but it doesn't mean that it's important to those you're sharing it with.

I tend to think that if I serve and love people in my life, there is nothing too great that could drive us apart.

But the reality of all relationships with people is that there are two parties. And I can love, be faithful, be committed, be expectant, and try to build the relationship, but if the other party wants nothing to do with me and doesn't want relationship... well, there is nothing I can do.

I'm realizing that even if you serve in the local church together, love God together, worship together, and share life together, even if you have everything in common, none of that is enough to hold together the bond of relationship. Because when someone wants to walk away, they don't care who or how they hurt people.

And when they leave, they go on and live their life, content, because for them, the investment in the relationship was only temporary anyways. For some, they knew it wouldn't last and didn't invest like it would. They move, they leave, they start new relationships with new people and you watch in almost shocked disbelief at their coldness.

I'm freshly aware that just because I'm close with people doesn't mean I can count on that closeness. I used to. But after losing relationships that I thought were worth having and keeping, I guess I'm a little cynical when it comes to relationships lasting.

And it's easy (at least for me) to let cynicism rule my life. To let anger cloud my view of relationships with people. I often find my heart hardening at the mere thought of building relationships with people around me. "It's not like it's going to last anyways" I think. "You can't count on anyone." 

These are lies.

I have to constnatly preach to myself, reminding myself that:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy" John 10:10a

The thief, the devil, he wants to steal my joy, he wants to kill my passion for the Lord and people, and he wants to destroy my life. And the devil will most assuredly use the hurt from failed relationships with people to set me on a path of destruction.  

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

But I must, I must, I have to be alert. The devil will not wait till my passion for the lord, the joy of my strength, the love for life and people, returns before attacking. The devil will take any chance he can to devour me.

So I look to the One who is more faithful than a brother. The One who will never leave me or forsake me. The One who knows what it is like to have close relationships lost, and those you count on, love, and invest in, betray you and walk away. The One who will always love me and always pursue me.

It doesn't take away the sting of pain, but it's good to know I'm not alone. And so today I hold fast to the promise from Christ that says:

 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10b

May Christ be. my. life.