What Words Could Not Tell

Since I can remember, I have always turned to the piano and composition as a way to deal with my thoughts and feelings. Whether joy or sadness, frustration or anger, somehow the piano was always the outlet I turned to to express what words could not. And often pieces would arise from my time sitting at the piano as I "played" away my thoughts.

The last several months have found me sitting for hours at the piano. And from this time, many pieces have begun to form a story that words do not tell. Perhaps in the months ahead I will share all the works that I have written down, but for tonight, I want to share one that I wrote last week as I continued to process the admonition from the prophet to let forgivness flow through me.

I don't have many words to describe the piece other than a piece to help my heart to let go so that forgiveness can come.

90 Days Have Past

April 20, Easter, marked the end of my 90 day commitment to the gym and bible reading that began back in January.

These past 90 days have been good for me - both physically and emotionally. When I first began going to the gym I was a struggling 145 pounds. I am now holding steady at 165 and hope to get to 170 by June.

I am still attending the gym and just yesterday renewed my membership for another year. I am excited to see what type of physical transformation and discipline I will accomplish over the next year as I submit myself to 4 days a week at the gym. 

My time in the Word has been good. Although if I were to be completely candid with you, I have been much more faithful with the gym than I have been with reading the bible. It's embarrassing to admit. I wish I could tell you I have faithfully read my bible every day for the past 90 days. That would be nothing short of a blatant lie though. I have to confess, I have probably missed... 30 days. That's pretty bad actually. Especially for only setting a "90 day" commitment.

Being completely candid with you though, there have been many a day where I have been very discouraged with... well... everything. And one thing I desperately need to work on is not "giving up" completely when I am discouraged.

See the thing about me that perhaps no one knows is that I often get discouraged about my life. I look at my finances, my career, my future, my relationships, my failures, my failed expectations, my losses, and I just give up.  "What does it even matter?" I say. "Nothing is ever going to change." So I just stop trying.

It's been a horrible habit I have always had. Instead of pressing on, instead of getting a hold of Christ and His vision for me, I just stop. I don't consider myself one to be easily overwhelmed. Yet when I take inventory of my life, without fail, I am always left discouraged and feeling claustrophobic.

Discouragement is not new to me nor is it new to humanity. I wouldn't say discouragement is wrong per se, but how one deals with discouragement may be. I would say my response - giving up - is a wrong way to deal with discouragement.

But what do you do when perceivably everything in your life is discouraging to you?

Stopping your time in the Word is definitely not the answer. Neither is sitting for hours listening to your favorite slow Classical works. And driving till your tank is empty is just a waste of money. And vainly attempting to plan out ways to "fix" all those things that discourage you is futile at best. Not that I have done any of these of course.

And not because I have done it perfectly, but because I recently am trying, I find that worshiping, prayer, turning to God in any way is probably the best response to discouragement. Sometimes for an hour I will sit listening to worship music as I intentionally work to focus my mind on Christ and not on the long list of things that are a constant discouragement to my soul.

I pray. Most of the time it's simple and repetitive. "Lord, You know where my heart is at. I don't know what to say. I need You."

I need to afresh get back into the Word. It's hard, especially when you awake every morning to discouragement. But really? Is money, a new car, a big house, relationships, a career, is that really going to remove discouragement and make me content?

No.

But it would help alleviate some of the discouragement.

Regardless though, I want to learn to be content in Christ and in Christ alone. As Paul said in Philippians 4:12:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

My Prophetic Word - Forgiveness

"And I just feel to tell you, let the spirit of forgiveness just flow through you. I believe there's been people in your life that - you've got to let forgiveness go and as you allow that forgiveness to go, God is just going to allow you to just sail along."
– Pastor Charlie Sweet (Saturday, April 5, 2014)

Since September I have found myself traveling what I had hoped would be a short road of forgiveness. And at times I feel like I have finally done it - I've forgiven. But then a photo, a name, a visit, and like the rush of water over the Niagara, unforgiveness flows from my heart.

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I was scheduled for prophetic ministry Saturday evening. Neither of the two visiting prophets knew I was scheduled and I was looking forward to hearing what I hoped would be direction for this season as well as direction for the next.

So you can imagine my surprise when Saturday afternoon, as the final words of prayer were spoken over the last individual and we were getting ready to begin worshiping again, Pastor Charlie grabbed the mic and walked over to me as I sat seated at the piano and began prophesying.

He spoke for only five and a half minutes, yet every second was filled with words about my here and the now. And not only that, most of what he spoke dealt with the deep things of my heart that I have wrestled for months and in some cases years with.

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I've done fairly well on the whole "forgiveness" bit over the years. I'm just not one to hold onto offenses or hurts. Forgive and forget. Move on. That's how I have always lived my life.

Yet this season of forgiveness has been markedly different. There has been little forgiveness and certainly no forgetting. And I knew that the forgiveness I had over and over attempted to extend was merely a facade – and so did the Lord.

I believe there's been people in your life that - you've got to let forgiveness go.

The Lord had seen it happen.... He was there through it all and knew exactly where my heart was that afternoon. He knew my heart was at unrest with unforgiveness. He knew that a "spirit of forgiveness" needed to flow through me.

I honestly don't know how to let a spirit of forgiveness flow. I have tried. Really, I have tried over and over to forgive, fully, lovingly, graciously, mercifully forgive. And although I may not fully know just how to let a spirit of forgiveness flow, I do know that I want Jesus – that I need more of Him. And so as I continue to pursue Christ I am going to trust that He will work in me a spirit of forgiveness as I daily surrender my heart to Him.

It's going to be a much longer road than I had hoped. And today, I am very much at the beginning.

How Do You Recap It?

The last 5 days have been filled with prophetic presbytery here at church. To say that God spoke would be an understatement.

This year was particularly unique in that what God spoke was very specific. In years past, specifics  have been spoken over a few, but not this year. Every. Single. Person/couple called up was given a very specific word.

It was so encouraging (and mind blowing) to see the Lord just speak to people on such a personal level.

How do you recap or attempt to put into words what the Lord did?

This year I received prophetic ministry. The last time I received (formal) ministry was as a high school student in 2006. I was scheduled for Saturday evening, but one of the prophets, Pastor Charlie Sweet, had a word for me at the end of the Saturday afternoon session. So I was blessed with not one, but two rounds of prophetic ministry.

I'm still processing the words spoken over me, so at a later time I will hopefully tell you more about the word I received. 

Unfortunately, words quickly fail my futile attempt to articulate the prophetic meetings. I feel as though I have to somehow document the incredible presence of the Lord, the amazing words spoken both over the church as a whole/individuals, and recall Dr. Wilson's message/challenge to worship the Lord freely.

Yet I cannot do, in words, justice to the move of the Spirit that took place at each meeting. I can only say that this is the first year where I am desirous and anxious to get my hands on every single recording of prophetic ministry that took place. I am eager to relisten to every exhortation and message the prophets shared. CFC, my church, there is a new season upon us and things are about to get crazy yo.

So instead of it being just me off in the corner with my own prophetic word, I am going to listen, read, and listen again to the words people received because what the Lord is about to pour out is going to big and I need to be in tune with what the Lord wants to do with me/us.

The prophetic words this year were not so much just to encourage the individual/couple, but really to let the body of Christ know (specifically) how God is going to use them in the expansion of church ministry and growth.

So for now, I'm going to go and listen, process, and meet with people and pastors about what God has done.