2013: The Hardest Year Yet

As 2013 comes to a close, I suppose like most, I reflect on what the year held.

At the closing of some years, there has been in the past an excitement about not only what that year had held, but a joyful anticipation of the next.

Then other years, they close almost unnoticed.

2013 for me was... difficult. An unexpected, and in some ways, a completely shocking difficult. It was frustrating. It was angering. It was depressing. It was infuriating. And it was filled with loss.

It was a year of having faith. | And it was a year of faith being lost.
It was a year of excitement. | And it was a year of great dissapointment.
It was a year of prayer. | And it was a year of prayer ceasing.
It was a year of pursuing. | And it was a year of letting go. 
It was a year of scripture memorization. | And it was a year of scripture being lost.
It was a year of being proud and confident it what I had. | And it was a year of losing it all.
It was a year of pursuing a vision. | And it was a year of a vision being taken away.
It was a year of believing I had heard from the Lord. | And it was a year of doubting I had ever heard at all.

I can confidently say, 2013 has been the hardest year of the 26 I have lived. And to be completely candid, I currently do not look to 2014 with any expectation of "great" things. I have learned in 2013 that expectation is fragile and easily lost - something to not be relied upon ever. 

Yet there is a hope within me, small, and perhaps barely visible, which believes that in some way, that somehow, God is going to restore my very soul and return unto me the joy of my salvation. It is not a great hope. It is not a contagious hope. It is not even a faith-filled hope. Rather, it is a hope derived from years of walking with God and knowing He is good. He is father and I son.

Yesterday at church, my pastor said "At the end of 2014, I want my testimony to be that I am somehow, in someway, more like Christ than I am now."

I have no aspirations for 2014. I have no excitement for 2014. I have no goals for 2014. I have nothing, nor want nothing, nor desire anything for 2014 — other than that I might be more like Christ than I am now.

Aggressive About My Soul

The Christmas tree stood festively stoic in the corner, transcending a luminescent glow throughout the room. The wood stove radiated of warmth and the flames jumped longingly at the glass door as if attempting to escape. The smell of our Italian dinner, consumed only hours earlier, still lingered throughout the air. Everyone else had gone to bed except us. She laid on the couch and I sat opposite upon another.

This was her last night visiting the North Country and although she probably should have been fast asleep, she used her final hours to encourage me.

"You need to get aggressive about your soul" she said.

It wasn't the first time she had said this to me. It probably wasn't going to be the last either.

I smiled and responded, "Yeah." My voice trailed off, revealing an obvious absence of confidence in my answer.

"I'm serious Josh!" she replied with more conviction. "You need to get aggressive about your soul." 

~~~

I know the messages, the bible passages, the words to say, the worship songs to sing, the "right" things to do in this season. I've preached them. I've said them. I've encouraged many before who have stood where I am today.

I'm not lacking "knowledge" of what to do in a season where my soul is darkened by the realities of life. I'm not frantically searching Scripture in desperate attempts to find a verse that speaks to the broken-hearted. I know where those scriptures are. I know what the bible says about life, about difficulties, about the goodness of God.

I know my soul is broken. And I am not lacking in understanding of this nor in the abilities of God to heal and restore it. What I lack is a desire to even care for a restoration.

This is probably the most vulnerable thing I have publicly shared about myself. I honestly am not looking for cards in the mail or Facebook comments that use Christian sentiments as a pat on the back of encouragement. I'm not being honest because I am groveling for encouragement and compliments.

I write this to be honest with you. Because you're my friends, you're my family, you're the people who live with me, work with me, stand by me, love me, and pray for me.

I'm honest, not to start a "pray for Josh campaign" or a "be concerned for Josh campaign" or a "let's say nice things to Josh campaign". I'm honest because you deserve honesty. You deserve the truth. And it's something I haven't always been given in my relationships with people. So I want to be honest as much as possible with you.

~~~

"You're going to have to make sacrifices if you're going to get aggressive about your soul." She stated it calmly, but it was accompanied by a desire to see this season pass in my life.

The snow was now lightly falling outside the window and my eyes darted about the room, avoiding her gaze.

"Yup." I tersely responded as I inhaled and then exhaled - a lucid sign that I was silently saying "I know what you mean and you're right. I just don't know if I care to be aggressive."

She smiled. She must have known what I was thinking even though I hadn't voiced it.

As the hands on the clock danced on in a perfect duet, we talked and soon it was time to bid her good night and ultimately, a farewell.

"Keep me updated on your life" she said.

I'm not sure I responded. But we hugged and I walked out into the winter's night.  

All In One Basket

Put all one's eggs in one basket 

        - to make everything dependent on only one thing; 

        - to place all one's resources in one place, account, etc. 

        - i.e. if the basket is dropped, all is lost

"To make everything dependent on only one thing."

"If the basket is dropped, all is lost."

I probably should have known better. I should have seen it coming. I should have known. Putting all your hope in one thing, the proverbial "eggs in one basket", it means that when the basket is dropped all is lost. 

I am embarrassed to say I did just that. And this fall the basket was dropped and there was loss. 

To be completely candid I am angry that the basket was dropped. But more than being angry at the loss, I am angry with myself for having ever put so much hope and expectation in the basket to begin with. I was incredibly stupid. I was blinded by my own hopes and dreams to even see that I had placed all of them in one basket. 

And sadly the basket was not Christ. 

Had it been, I do not believe the loss would have been so great. 

I tricked myself into thinking "I'm investing in my future". It seemed logical. And had you observed you may have even agreed with me. It did not appear my hopes and dreams were being frivolously wasted.

But when dreams and hopes are not placed in Christ, no matter how long they appear fulfilling, there will come a day where the basket will be dropped. When that day comes, whether tomorrow or 30 years from now, the loss and reality of that moment will be enough to rob the very life from your bones.

And if it hasn't happened already, I guarantee it will. 

Because Christ is the only one who can bring true, everlasting fulfillment. Because only Christ can promise faithfulness. Because only Christ is steadfast, unwavering, constant, the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Intellectually I know this. Intellectually I knew it as I placed one dream after another in the same basket for months and even years . But I had comforted myself with the words "investment in my future". 

Investment in my future...

The only investment in your future worth having is living for Jesus today.

There is a lot of sorting out to do in my life. I have yet to truly process the basket being dropped. I would rather just move on and start fresh, as though I hadn't wasted months and years of investment. But sadly, the heart is not a battery that can just be jump started and work properly again. 

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45-46

Jaded

"I'll be frank with you, lots of people think our 20's is great because we are young, we have the world in front of us, all fun times, getting to know ourselves, That's all great, but I disagree with a lot of that sentiment. I think for a lot of people, our 20's suck. We're all trying to figure out what the heck to do with our lives, and things don't line up like we think they should or want them to. Panic, callousness, or discouragement set in, and we don't know when to cut bait and get a new dream, or stay the course... and I could go on. I'm there. It's really hard. It's easy to get jaded and discouraged."

Jaded.

That's the word that has constantly eluded my ever diminishing vocabulary. That's it. That's me.

It was his response from my returned letter to him, (an old friend), asking me how life was and if there was anything he could pray about for me.

We were friends in college and it has been almost six years since those memories were first formed. Yet the lapsed time didn't seem to change anything. It was as if we had just picked up where we left off.

It was surprising, yet comforting to hear him articulate the thoughts that have wondered the halls of my mind for months now.

The problem with being jaded is that it flavors everything you say. I might try and be kind, but because the source of my kindness is polluted with jadedness, it comes out less than loving. 

So in an attempt to prevent others from being hurt, offended, annoyed, and even cast down, I just don't say anything. I try and let my words be few. I often withdraw from social interactions. And when immersed in a social atmosphere I put on the face of a performer and walk into that event and give people what they expect, even need - a happy go-lucky guy.

But my heart couldn't be further from such a performance.

This is not a sob story or a "whoa is me" post. In fact, I need to ask for your patience and grace as I work through this season. For most, if not all of you who know me, this season, me, it's not what you or I am used to.

Jadedness. Cynicism. Frustration. Negativity. Never before were these my characteristics. 

I need your forgiveness for the jaded things I've said or will say to and around you. I will need your forgiveness for "pretending" I am fine and all is well. I will need your forgiveness for my lack of love and kindness. I will need your forgiveness for being negative and at times even irreverent. I will need your forgiveness when you ask me how I am doing and I refuse to tell you. I will need your forgiveness for not caring. 

This is a season where I am learning humility as I encounter the love, forgiveness, patience, and grace of people all around me. I am grateful for it all - even though I seldom express it.

All Is Well

All is well
All is well
Angels and men rejoice 


All is not well. I would be lying if I said it was. And to say that "rejoicing" has been absent from my life would be, well, an understatement.

This season has been a season where things have not been well with me, with my heart. This season has had no joy. This season is full of darkness I never thought would surround me.

And although my heart is broken and my very joy robbed from me, I can confidently say "all is well". 

All IS well.

And not because things in my life are actually going well, but because Christ has come, Emanuel, God with us.

Born is now Emmanuel
Born is our Lord and Savior
Sing Alleluia
All is well

All IS well. 

Not because I can point to the "success" of my life. Certainly not because of the commitment of people. And it definitely is not because of my financial or social status. It is only because Christ is my Savior and He is Lord.

All IS well.

Not because my heart feels like all is well. Not because I think all is well. Not because I have money, a nice car, a girlfriend or wife, a family, or any of that. All is well because God sent His son to earth, Jesus, that I might be born again and have eternal life.

All IS well.

Not because I'm healthy. Not because I am talented. Not because I have a job or am famous. All is well because Christ has not abondoned me, nor will He ever.

All IS well.

Because He is King. Because He will use me. He will guide me. He will lead me through this season of great frustration and deep disappointment.

All IS well.

Because God is in control, even when my life is crumbling.

All IS well.

Because at the end of the day, the tears I shed, the anger in my heart, the bitterness that gnaws at my soul, it may be overwhelming to me, but it does not overwhelm Him. He is bigger than it. He is bigger than me.

All IS well.

Because I know even if every day for the rest of my life is lived in this very season, He is still worthy and He still has saved my soul.

All IS well.

Because I have salvation not in myself, not in my goodness or my works, but solely in Jesus. 


It doesn't make this season less difficult. It doesn't take away the sting of failed dreams. It certainly doesn't erase the memories. But it does help me remember that my hope is not lost, even when everything else is.

So tonight I say...

All is well. 

Be Real: A Vulnerable Question

"So what has been going on in your life?"

She asked it and at first, I had hoped she was only being polite. After all, she hadn't visited since June and that was the proper question to politely pose.

There were distractions all around. People laughing, a tree being decorated, Christmas music playing, and I figured I stood a good chance at evading an answer to the question. I knew she knew me well enough to not just be content with "good" as an answer. I could count on that a trite answer would only be accompanied by the response "So unpack that for me."

At first it looked as though my non-verbal response would blend into the evening's activities, but then she sat atop the counter, and looking at me asked again "So really. What's been going on in your life."

In that moment, a million thoughts flooded my mind as I attempted to formulate a facade that would answer the question without ever delving into my heart. Because candidly, my heart is a broken and dark place.

I began with hesitation to explain, like I would to a visitor on a Sunday morning at church, what had transpired in my life since June when we last talked. She quickly interjected with "Be real with me."

Be real.

The real me would be a stranger to her. She last knew me as fun, joyful, and full of life and excitement for the Lord. She last saw me passionate about people and intentional about investing in relationships.

Be real.

The real me was but a starving shadow of the old me. It's something I abhor about this season, but something I cannot seem to change.

Be real.

We served in ministry together. We served the local church together. We were college leaders together. We prayed together. We worshiped together. We talked doctrine together. We lived in community together.

Be real.

"This season has been difficult" I began.

Perhaps it was the change in my voice. Or maybe it was the fact that I had stopped looking at her. Or possibly it was the craziness of the events juxtaposed around us, but she lead me into the other room where we sat in the darkness at the dinning room table and I... I was real with her.

And as I talked she listened. She wasn't shocked by anything I said. She didn't even seem surprised when I found myself unable to clearly articulate my thoughts amidst tears. She just listened.

And then she shared her story. She shared her walk. She shared scripture. She shared Jesus.

And it was now my turn to listen as she was real with me.

"You can escape where you're living, but you can't escape your heart. The problem isn't the location. The problem is your heart." 

The problem isn't the location. The problem is your heart.

I fought back tears as she so clearly articulated the heaviness of my soul and reminded me that a new location wasn't going to solve all my problems. Perhaps it could help some. But dealing with my heart before the Lord was the answer.

"God may never give you the dreams of your heart, but He will always be faithful to you."

And the sting of hearing about dreams, my dreams, possibly never happening... why it was this very thing, failed dreams and hopes, that had lead me like a faithful map to this very season. And in some small way, like a fading light, I guess there was a part of my heart that tried keeping the hope of these dreams alive.

Like ointment on a wound, the sting of it is excruciating. But the pain in necessary for healing.

And although I didn't want to hear about God possibly never giving me the dreams of my heart, it was needed. And accompanied with words of His faithfulness towards me, these were the things I needed to hear.

I say this intellectually. My heart is still calloused with disappointments. But I know these words are needed. 

She ended the conversation with prayer. She hugged me and we returned to the festive excitement of friends laughing. 

And just like many years ago when we served in college ministry together, community was built.