The Shadow Of Emotion

When it comes to emotions I don't consider myself an expect on the topic. However, one thing I do recognize is that emotions are powerful and that for better or worse – we have them.

I hate talking about emotions actually.

It seems like such a (pardon my sexist use of the term) "girly" thing to do. I struggle enough with the frustration of even having to have emotions to begin with, let alone sitting around talking about them... or worse... blogging about them.

But in a season where I am working diligently to surrender a very shattered heart to the Lord, I find myself living under a shadow of unspoken emotion.

I am grateful for the small signs of life and joy returning and I am thankful that once again I have been able to laugh and even be excited. Yet like on a summer day, even though it may be warm there is a noticeable difference between shade and sun. And although you can be warm even in the shade, when you're in the sun there is nothing but hot, often overwhelming warmth.

I am perhaps more aware than ever before that even if not talked about, even if not meditated on, even if not given into, there can be a shadow cast from months (or years) of turmoil, depression, anger, frustration, or whatever. And even as health and stability returns to my life there is still a shadow that lingers from such feelings.

It's frustrating. I wish I could just *zap* be fine, normal, not living under a shadow. But health, forgiveness, love, kindness, compassion, mercy, grace, they are a process.

It's an interesting thing to observe in my life. Because the idea of a lingering shadow of emotion would have seemed wildly insane and most definitely stupid to me a year ago. I probably would have laughed, at least inwardly, had you confessed such a thing to me.

But if nothing else, this entire nightmare of the last several months has wrought in me compassion and grace that I don't think I could have learned any other way. And it has/is an incredible struggle in the lesson of forgiveness - one I desperately need[ed] to learn.

So perhaps a year ago I would have laughed at your story of a lingering shadow of emotion, but today I would listen with grace and compassion.

And this I believe is a small testimony.

Love Without Hypocrisy

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.
- Romans 12:9

Nearly a month ago I found myself tripping over this verse. I wanted to skip over the first half and just focus in on the second part - abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. I could do that. I could abhor evil. I could cling to good.

But as much as I tried to push the first half of the verse from my thoughts, it suddenly became a game of "if you think of the game you lose the game". The harder I tried to forget the first half and just move on in my reading, the more that it invaded my thoughts. Needless to say, I was losing "the game".

Let love be without hypocrisy. 

Reading those words were uncomfortable, annoying, frustrating actually. Because I knew that my love was not without hypocrisy.

For as much as I love people around me, in my heart I knew (even though I tried to pretend it wasn't so) that there were names, faces, real people whom I did not love.

Let love be without hypocrisy.

Sometimes I think I am doing so well at loving people. Then a name is said, or a picture posted, and like the change from summer to winter, my heart frosts over and I become cold.

If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?  - John 4:20

I knew what the implications of Romans 12:9 were - I was a hypocrite. I said I loved Jesus. I said I loved people. Yet there were those whom I did not love or even care to love.

And like the wrestling of toddlers over a prized toy, I wrestled with my own heart. Am I really a hypocrite? It just didn't seem possible. And could not loving even just one person be enough to make me a hypocrite?

I knew the answer was yes. But somehow not admitting it gave me a sense of stability. Perhaps if I ignored it long enough maybe it wouldn't be true.

See the reality of Romans 12:9 and John 4:20 is, if I don't love like Christ would love, if there is someone in my life where there is anger, malice, or hatred towards them, I am a walking hypocrite. I am someone who rations out my love to those I "deem worthy" and cast judgement on who and how I will love. 

I cannot stand before the Lord today or on the day of judgement in confidence. I cannot raise my hands in worship. I cannot even pray with faith because I have failed the very thing Christ commanded me: to love my neighbor as myself.

But how do you love someone you don't want to love?

Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.  - Ephesians 5:1-2

I have to remember that I am far, I mean far from perfect. I will probably never know the number of times friends and family have loved me when I was [am] quite unlovable. And then there is God. Not only does He constantly love me when I am unlovable, but He sent His son Jesus to die for me, even when I was His enemy. It didn't matter. God reconciled me to Him even when I wanted nothing to do with Him. (Romans 8:8-10)

So I did what I so very much did not want to do; I prayed blessings on those whom my heart did not love. Everything I could want prayed for myself, I prayed for them. I prayed as though they were my best friend. I prayed as if they were right there in the room with me. I prayed like I loved them.

And this prayer of love for them, this was my sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.

Day 22

Today marked the beginning of week 4 or day 22 of my 90-day gym/bible commitment.

These past 3 weeks have been good for me. I have been faithfully going to bed by 10pm, waking at 6am, and have consistently been in the Word.

I began my routine at the gym with three days a week. I am proud to say I have now added a fourth and in the coming weeks, I look forward to adding a fifth.

Perhaps something you didn't know about me: I thrive when there is a vision.

When there is a plan, a strategy, a goal, I so enjoy "conquering" it. I think about it. I plan. I get excited. I think about the most effective and efficient way to complete whatever the vision is.

Sure, is getting up at 6am four days a week difficult? Yes.

Is working out at the gym painful? The first week you have no idea. I couldn't even straighten my arms for a solid 5 days after my first trip to the gym.

Does reading the bible take discipline? Yes.

Is eating 3-6 times a day hard? Believe it or not, for me, it is infuriatingly difficult.

But the fruit from even this short period of faithfulness has been health to me both spiritually and physically.

I find myself smiling easier and laughing more. I have found myself making jokes again and I have begun to slowly seek people out in social environments. I am even working on being out-going to new people — something I never thought would be "work" for me. 

I have seen my negativity and anger diminish daily as I pray that the Lord would help me to love, be gracious, merciful, kind, compassionate, forgiving — everything I am not. My sarcasm has quieted and my cynical view of everyone and everything has slowly been changing. I have even found fresh excitement in my work both at church and with Unparallel Media (the Steinway project) — which I will keep you updated on via Facebook and Instagram.

Whether there is a noticeably outward difference now, I hope that over the next 69 days, the joy of my salvation will return to me and I will once again be one who encourages, strengthens, and blesses those around me with my words and actions. And hopefully there will even be some type of physical difference.

The last 4+ months have been very difficult and I recognize that I am not completely free yet from the weight of those 4+ months. But to be excited (which seems odd that that would be such a big deal... especially to me) but to be excited, it's energizing to have it restored to my life.

I am thankful to the Lord that He has been faithful to meet me for the past 22 mornings I have sought Him. They're simple mornings. Simple prayers. Yet He still meets me. I love how the NET puts Jeremiah 29:13:

"When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul"

I look forward to change in my life over the next 68 days.