I never used to be a cynic. In fact, go back three or four years ago and the word "cynic" would have never been associated with me.
I used to be full of joy. I'd laugh a lot. I'd make lots of jokes. I loved people. I especially loved meeting new people and encouraging those around me to pursue the Lord. I was carefree. I didn't worry and I rarely spoke negativity. And I most certainly was not a cynic. Sarcastic? Yes. Cynic? No.
Not that I was "better" than others, I just never had a reason to be negative, to be hopeless.
College was fun. Of course there were the ups and downs that every student has and I was definitely not without my failures. But for the most part, I remained joyful, excited, and full of life and energy.
Then I graduated.
Now it wasn't graduating that made me a cynic. It was the two plus years after graduating where cynicism crept in.
During those years, [without delving into details that not only would bore some of you and for others undoubtedly spring up a well of gossip], I will just say that life threw many unexpected curve balls - all of which hit me.
When you get hit once you just chalk it up to "that's part of the game [life]". But when you get hit a second time you wonder if that was intentional. Then when you get hit a third time and a fourth, you begin to hate getting up to bat. You begin speaking negatively of not only your moment at bat, but of the entire game [life] itself.
And in the years since graduating, I have found myself often being hit by life's curve balls. And somewhere in there, I guess I finally stopped hoping, dreaming, and believing that I could step up to the plate and hit the ball.
I wanted to have faith. I wanted to be hopeful. I wanted to believe that God was going to come through.
What's the old adage? When you fall off the horse, you have to get back on?
I tried. I honestly did.
But I found myself more and more retorting to cynicism - a negative, almost irreverent, hopeless state. I have hid it well from some and for others they see it a mile away.
It has now become a regular part of
my life that I must be aware of. Not only do I find it robbing me of
joy, I also find that my heart is now quite susceptible to being hardened
towards people and the Lord.
Had you told me this four years ago I would have laughed at you. "That is so not me!" I would have said.
Today, through the faithfulness of friends speaking into my life and the work of the Lord, I am what I would call a "recovering cynic". I still have all the tendencies of a cynic. And when life throws a curve ball at me (which even now I am recovering from a recent hit), I unfortunately find my first response to still be negative and hopeless.
But I am grateful that the Lord is challenging me to guard my heart and mind against such thoughts. Am I successful? On the good days, yes. As of late though, I must confess there have been many bad days.
